the journal

med student video

2012-01-14T22:34:00.001+07:00

this is (so far) the best video about medical students in youtube.com. do you have any better? lemme know it:)

learn to manage my time

2012-01-14T21:44:00.005+07:00

as i had written before, now i work for two jobs; online marketing and writer for @ai_magz (you can check them out on www.abankirenk.com :) ). it's like my college life hasn't taken up much time; well, it sucks my time, actually. but working... having my own sallary.. is just fascinating. and writing articles... gosh i've been dreaming to do this! so that's no way im not doing this:) plus as a public relation on IFL, we have to make a project or contribute something (can't write it here now), so yes, IFL is another thing to manage.

well, like others said, so much to study on medschool... i don't lie. i haven't done writing a report, etc. that's why i decided to not take any single organization here in campus (which now i actually regret but.. well have reasons to not do that anw. no need to regret anymore). so i was at the time when i felt like i mess up with the time.... i had SO MUCH spare time but i DIDN'T use it wisely. so at the end of the day, i ended up over-think about the day i wasted.

and after a long period of thinking ... (not literally), now i've found some shortcuts to make my days well-spent:

1. learn how to manage the time. i am still learning, and i believe that so many people outta there, probably those managers, also still learning the art of time-managing. i suggest you to buy some books about it, what i bought was "18 Minutes" by Peter Bregman. sadly i haven't found managing-time books whose author Indonesians. do you have any recommendation?
2. make goals. goals are the things you wanna achieve. make a clear about when it should be achieve. make it in details, in the most reachable to the least ones. with a SMART methods, you'll get it easier:)
3. to-do-list. it's a simple list about goals of the day. what you should do in a day. make it specific. what time it should be done. set the priority, does t really important? make it reachable also. you won't be able to re-write a 1000 paged book in a day, right?
4. stick to it, stay motivated. remember the whole goals you've set, remember what takes you here before. you should never stop. sky's the limit. believe you can do ANYTHING as long as you want it so bad that you work really hard. pray. God will always keep you motivated:)

actually i wanna write them all in super details but.. i'm not sure i'm mastering it yet. so if you wanna read the whole details about them, check mindtools.com out.i learned SO MUCH from that site. and i know how we (girls) love to keep neat, organized, and still cute! go to http://www.youtube.com/user/ailyxxxfashion and you wont regret it even a bit!:)

ok this is random but i wanna show you a really funny video about which is made by some med students. reallyyyyy true and i cant stop laughing during this video and yelling :THIS IS SOOOO TRUEEE!!!!!

have a good saturday night!

adoring in a very fine meaning

2012-01-06T20:48:00.007+07:00

Now playing: Daydreaming - Adele

he's my favorite type of guy. he fulfills 75% of my what-i-could-say-criteria. i kinda like him but he doesnt know me. at all. i'm 3 years away from him, i'm at medschool and he's engineering school. we hardly know each other, so i let my hopes away. but that's not the point.

he opens my mind about the world. the more i seek info about him, the more i know how passionately he chases his passion, in the middle of ovey-dovey people. he knows what he wants and how to get that. if it's not enough, he's running, chasing his dream; not only by talk, but by a real action. then i think about myself, how about you Nin? you always said you wanna be a part of global world, of a change, but what did you do? nothing.

and i tried to do some research on my dreams trough web & do blog walking trough inspiring blog. well, now i finally found my passion for once more and..... finally meet the courage to chase it, even it just little by little.

bismillah, i said in a whisper. please, Allah, bless me in every way. thank You SO MUCH for these lessons, for waking me up, for ringing the bell so i get up earlier and start to do what i've gotta do. thankYou Allah:)

and i still have the admiration for that guy. and hopefully i can finally get to know him :)

the last post of 2011

2011-12-31T21:51:00.006+07:00

is this really the end, dear 2011? 'cause it's like only a blink of eye. remembering 2011 so far.... is like remembering.... nothing? i've been busy doing things, running, changing, working hard, to get the dream i've been dreaming. until now, these days, i'm still busy to chase almost everything. "you cant be as young as you are today". so i wanna spend it more on exploring my self. who am i?

and i have nooooo idea about 2012 resolution. i mean.. i've been having new year resolution for years and now i have no days off and i cant think much of things but few academic stuffs. i miss high school, for its ups and downs, dramas, naive-dreams, and all. but you know, life's keep going no matter what. so i'll try to cheerish every moment knowing that i cant bring the exact past into present.

let's say. this year, i've found stronger faith in Allah. Allah gives me all i need, He's my all. He gives me the lesson of life in a very unexpected but beautiful way. i love it how i can find reason beyond everything. i also found that... jerks are around and i let them around because i had lack of confidence... well i still have. i thought if anything bad happens, it must be me. all the time, while it's not. feelings aren't as simple as one person's fault or bunch of people's faults. it's way more complicated than that so i decided to stay away from that kinda things awhile... :) this year i also have revealed the real friends o mine. some are just nice, some just really complete myself. some are kinda fake and some are just so true that i can be true to myself too when im with them. getting into medschool, my favorite medschool, is also the biggest thing that's happened this year. it's been a good days with those other medstudents.. medschool is really really good. i love it here, really, finally. i found some nice college mates and thhey're enough for now. this year i also turn to be 17. what an age.. people said. but i have 18-19 years old friends, most, so i dont feel like a 17 years old girl. now age doesnt matter anymore, i mean seventeen years old doesnt mean anything for now. not having some kinda miracles or sparkling dust all over my body... everything stays the same except myself. i know im changing, and i know who i wanna be, but you know, as einstein said: there's a relativity. i know i'm changing into someone i want, but i may less notice it. maybe i've been turning into monster or somehting i dont really know, and dont really think, also. all i know is im trying my best to make my life as good as it could be.

and now i really wanna thank Allah for the bless this year. this could be the year of awakening, maturity process, re-build my self. thank You, Allah, for letting me be this self. thank You for the lessons, the mistakes, the achievement. thank You...:) i would never thank You enough for the life You're giving to me:)

thankyou family, friends, and all. thank you....:) this year has been really good... with its ups and downs, i stilll can enjoy 2011. the year of total hard work, if i could name this year. thank you!!

now designing the next year. here some new year resolution of mine:

1. get closer to Allah, fix myself as a religious person-should be:)

2. have a really strong bond with family

3. have straight A for every block, smarter and more dilligent and discipline.

4. can drive a car

5. can cook few meals

6. be a vegan!

7. get 5000.000 rupiahs from sallary savings

8. have a good time menegement

9. inspire MANY people:)

10. get my confidence back with less egoistic side.

11. have a healthy life style; good diets, regular exercise, drink more mineral water.

over all i only wanna be the better version of me in every possible way. amin:)

but generally, i just wanna be the whole ability a woman ever need. in the first 3 months i wanna learn to drive safely, and the next 3 months i wanna learn to cook, and the next 3 months maybe learn about some arts, and the last 3 months? evaluating or doing any thing:)

now what's yours? happy new year people! thankyou!!

family vacay

2011-12-11T16:46:00.002+07:00

desember. my favorite month

2011-12-11T15:02:00.004+07:00

i have plenty of ideas about what to write here. i miss blogging. digging back to the past moments i've tasted, felt again, and be strong again. i miss reading about the days i've passed. if you read my post since the very first time im here, you'll see how much i grow up. from the noisy and emotional girl turn into a person with more thoughts and fake smile but still, happy inside with bittersweet past and great friends.

i always adore how Allah gives me scenes of life. i always surprised of the His new directions. i always find lesson and reason beyond every mistakes, every ups and downs. i always wondering; who's the best guy on earth that He'll give to me. who'll i end up to be. what will my life would turn out in the end.

i really want a smart guy. a smart guy who knows about life, who passionately chase his degree on college, who really loves me, who passionately curious about life, the guys who can be a religiously living the life without being looked like so freak, he should be relax more than me, optimistic and positive thinker, he should be a very boyish and manly one, he should love soccer, a bit stubborn, but very gentle and caring, he should be thinking about future much and me inside that, he should be a man with big imagination about the globalization future and how he's living that way, he must understand how i adore john mayer and Sore, it's better if he loves indie and easy listening music too, would be nice if he can play basketball and guitar, he should be love reading and spending time on travelling and watching good movie. i want a family guy, who love his family and he should be independent, not spend much cash on something unnecessary, should not be tweeting much (i know), and we should meet on the right time at the right place in the right situation.
fuck. im crazy writing about this. but at least i know what i want and i dont wanna have any relationship unless it would be with that guy or.... i dont think it will last long.

i've been doing a new job, which is good. and what about your study? i almost forget im on medschool at this very moment. im listening to john mayer, looking at good pictures on website, writing a bit craps of my days, looking at the timeline in twitter, seeing how much people wine and moan this days. i havent been prepariing for the study-case tomorrow. i havent been writing work plan, or any of that. i just wanna lay in bed, doing nothing but writing, listening music, and doing all my favorite things i havent been done lately. i need more me-time. i really need that. or just those successful people have it less?

well, i actually never had a free weekend, each weekend, i need to go out, meet somebody else, and all. at some point, i was happy. but then i felt like i lost some kind of inner joy. i have time with my self less. i have time to think about my self less. i need to do some betterment but it wont happen unless i think about it and have my self loose. as i am doing now.

here comes again december. the month when i love to reflex back into the days before, the months before. yes, i need the change in my life. i need to re-state what i should become. im kinda lost nowadays. one thing i should be clear on: my number one priority is study. i should get the straight A for all classes, for all blocks, for all semester, till the end of my academic year. untill i get clinic rotation, i should get the best score for all. please Nin, please Allah, please... please let it be.
you should work harder Nin, Study harder Nin... get your sleeping time less, please read more, please pay much attention more, please be focus more, please please please....
and please dearest Allah, dont let me alone without Your guidance, please be close to me, please grant all my wishes, shape me into someone beautiful inside and out, let me have the inner peace to control any destructive things from outside.

and December... please be good:)

the rainy days.

2011-11-19T23:37:00.005+07:00

updated: i am working on the project i've been dreaming for years and i'll get paid for it. HOW FUN!:P

college stuffs still fill my days. as usual. as it should be. but now i can manage my time better. i just realized that.... what if i die tomorrow. when i only had my time to study all the time and still cant get the best grade; would i regret? would i be sorry? and the answer is just a big yes. so i try to enjoy the days, better. i have fun everyday, cherish every moment, wasting time (a tiny bit:p in a guilty feeling:p), but at least.... i don't postpone happiness:) because happiness is what we should feel in every thing we do. happiness brings joy and it should be within us every day. even a big storm get trough me, i should have a happiness inside myself so i can get trough bad days and see a clear rainbow after that. Allah teaches me this, in every possible way. Allah trynna to tell me this in every way He could but i just sooooo real late to realize this. after i got a little...(let's say it's little to make me feel less guilty, k?) failure. well, failure is never really a failure if we can get a real value from it:)

and i just realized that, i have the bestest friends i could possibly have. had a great time with them last week and they're always remembering me about who i really am, or at least who i was, so i can get back to the place where i start. so i can remember all the things that put me here. so when i'm about to give up, i just run to it, instead. thank you guys. i cant get the better version of you. never. ever:)

diss the little-cold and creative one, sandy the wise and widely open minded one, anna the...hyperbolic-yet-so-sweet-and-talkative one, and ririe the understanding and outstandingly wellknown one:p i love you guys. more than any word can describe. thank you for being there at my ups and especially at my downs:)

and i love the rain. i love how i remember those days before, the smell of the rain last year, or the last two years, or more. i just love the end of the year. i love designing my life, again. i love my life, and the most of all, i love you Allah. thanks for Your guidance so far. im so blessed having You in my life:)

thank you for the jerks, also, for treating me that bad. so i can finally see the good guy, clearly:)

writing is my passion. drawing is my hobby. and going abroad is my deepest wish. so let's working hard for them. bismillahirahmanirahim:)

bad dream, if i couldn't say it was nightmare.

2011-11-06T15:27:00.003+07:00

i've trough the first block of this semester. and i could say i've got notsogood grades. i was hoping for getting 4 for my first GPA but..... it's kinda.... mm needs more than just a hardwork and prayer. should be a miracle there. i learnt too much out of the subjects i need to be good at. i was too excited and more proud. i wasn't smart enough to study. i studied hard but not so smart. but i should thank Allah for this. i've learnt SO MUCH trough these hard times:) yes, grades are big things.

now im gonna talking about... wearing hijab.

it's been a while since it's bombing lately. variety of hijabs are everywhere, remembering me that Indonesia is one of those moslem-majority country. i've been wearing hijab since i was about 4 but strictly wear that since i was 7. and never knew the value behind that until i was in high school.

my kinda-religious high school learnt me so many things.

hijab is not hijab unless it covered all the body parts that need to be covered plus chest.covering your hair is not only covering around the head but as wide to cover your chest-area also. hijab shouldn't let us showing out shape by using some kinda "shaping" tops or jeans. everything we wear should be loose and good. but it needs time, i appreciate people who try to wear hijab even it's not perfectly hijab but they've tried. i haven't wear the hijab perfectly good too..:)

but one thing, IT'S NOT the readiness or the clean and good heart we should have BEFORE we wear hijab. because that would never be a readiness, or a clean, good heart UNLESS we wear hijab itself. the hijab stops us doing something not appropriate. and it stops me doing MANY bad things... alhamdulillah:)

i'm trying my best to wear the most appropriate and good-looking hijab, but at times i failed. and i haven't been at my best in religious-stuff. but i wish i have more courage to do much more betterment on that. i love You, Allah.

i love how You give me scenes of life, let me cry but give me total laugh at the end. how You give me lessons of life in the way i can't even thought before. You give me freedom and peaceful at the same time. You give me the people i really need and the ones that make me happy the most. You're the center of my life. i hope i can do much more for You. i hope You will be closer to me, in me. Thank You, Allah:)

last night i spent the weekend with Dissa and Anna which was so fun and.. they're the ones that fit me perfectly. they're my bestest mate:)

phases.

2011-10-09T21:09:00.003+07:00

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

John Mayer - Stop This Train.

this might be the sing that fits me the best this time. i feel like i've flown too fast, i feel like dont wanna go trough these all; in short i feel like wanna give up, if i didnt remember the efforts i made.

college life is frustrating. the people are hard. i don't feel comfortable here. at first.

but let me look at the past. the past that shows me how i wanted this so bad. the past that shows me how big effort i made for this.
now i'm ready to start all over. im ready to get trough this no matter what.
and let alone the past be past. let present be present (gift), and believe in what future will give. i believe more in Allah, which has always helped me trough hard time. last week was probably the hardest week in my 17th age. and i cried almost everynight:")

but i aint be that weak. im gonna stand still and prove those bad people that im gonna be a valuable person. amin:)

cerita kebun binatang

2011-09-17T23:45:00.006+07:00

"kamu mau pergi?"
"apa ada yang tertinggal? jangan coba-coba bilang itu hatiku. jangan pura-pura itu belum hilang ditengah jalan berhari-hari yang lalu."
"tolong.. jangan seperti ini ..."
"apa? kamu. kamu yang jangan kayak gini. ngiket pake kata-kata, tapi ngelepas aku sebebas-bebasnya ke kebun binatang."
"tapi binatang-binatang itu punya kandang."
"tapi mereka juga masih bisa meneriaki aku! masih bisa menakut-nakuti aku..."
"kamu takut?"
"siapa yang enggak? kamu nggak ngerti."
"aku selalu berusaha buat ngerti.."
"mana buktinya? kalau kamu ngerti, coba peduli lebih banyak. lihat aku. apa aku aman? apa aku nyaman? peduli, itu?"

percakapan itu membuyarkan mimpi indahku semalam; pergi ke kebun binatang, saat tanteku masih hidup. itu adalah saat pertama dan terakhir kalinya aku ke kebun binatang. kebun binatang....

***

walking in between fantasy and reality.

2011-09-17T22:55:00.002+07:00

i've been encouraging myself to write blog post for weeks. 'i have to write these all!' said my mind to my body. but i don't feel like writing anything until this exact time. 11.00 pm. i don't know what i really wanna write, but i just wanna picture you my reality.

i've accepted in the best med school in Indonesia, said QS surveys. proud? yes i am. but life isn't just about pride, right? this is kinda hard. not saying about the subjects, bcs actually i haven't started any class yet. the first block has its own schedule; unlike other majors, the freshmen of medschool have a week (more) off.

i've been around with smart-ass people, and some of them said they only relied on their luck. well, in this case i mostly said my hardwork and prayer that helped me so much to get in here. there are so many new people. some of them are good, but the rest are.. i don't know. i just hasn't got the time to know them better yet. i feel like left behind, when some of my friends have their own circle of friends. i only know some better. i'm not sure whether it is my circle friends or not, i just feel most comfortable with those few ones.

i know, college life will be rude and the people are also kinda individuals living together. but i just.... haven't got used to it. at that time i felt. what for i get into this school? i could be more relaxed if i were majoring something more light, that wasn't about anyone's life, that didn't put as much pride as this thing, that didn't get as much attention as this. but what for am i complaining? then i asked my self. for nothing. i have to be responsible for what I've chosen.

then Allah gave me a reminder. i read an article about saving gaza last 2010. i remembered what i have to do. what i wanna do. cancer, kids, internal medicine and war victims are still my favorite. i still have such a big heart for doing medical stuff, learn more about that.

i just don't comfortable with the people... yet.
and i kinda dislike a very few ones.

but im very thankful i've got some new nice friends. i hope everything will go smoothly soon. really soon.
thanks for the big support, girls. no one would replace any of you. not even a guy... yet!:p

last friday

2011-09-02T23:18:00.002+07:00

yeah, if it's not clear enough, this is the last friday before the college life starts. i am excited beside very scared of what will be coming to me. new friends, new place, new subjects; as i wanted, and (please) still want are really... matters. i always picture on my mind, studying in a peaceful place, and stay focus on study, like staying in library for hours, staying up late for reading. but i can't guarantee i would do that..... but i have to. i have to. i have to.

it's not that i am not clearly being thankful of all of this. but, im afraid this will be far from what i've imagined. i always afraid to face the reality. i was living in a drama i made for lightening my reality. well, the reality had punched me a little. i met few college friends and see some of them in facebook group. im so sorry to write this, but i don't feel comfortable with them. or just not yet? i don't really know.

most of those who wants to be doctors want to get most money, or follow what their parents want them to do, or just have no idea what their super good brains are for.
i hate the fact that i'll not be with those who are passionately help the world to cure it the best.
they're not global minded. they think that taking med school and have specialization study after that are the best thing they could ever do.
i wanna meet people who dream about making new medicine, cure hiv/aids, have a project on cancer cells. well, i am sorry for being so under estimate, over reacting, and so judging at the first meet. i know this is wrong, but i don't wanna disappointed more than this.

but this aint about those others students. this is how can you help the world instead. if being an ordinary curing doctor helps the world, i'm sure i will be one of them. but.... im gonna make it clear how i wanna help the world, but first i wanna be the part of it. i wanna study abroad. most of people say: we doctors dont need to go abroad 'cause it's different thing we learn in other country and make no benefit when we come back home.
well, i'll prove you wrong. small-minded guys that got trapped in bureaucracy are the ones i expect the least i wanna learn from. i wanna be around world-class tutors, wide-minded people, thick books, hard worker people, independent students, and all. i want the experiences and the study. please please please, Allah, let me get this dream:)
amin..

half of words.

2011-08-13T06:03:00.002+07:00

the days pass really fast. dan ini dalam arti harafiah. bukan tipikal hari-berlalu-cepat-dan-tidak-terasa. ini juastru sebaliknya, hari berjalan cepat, tapi terisi. aku punya jadwal pekerjaan yg berbeda-beda tiap hari nya. kegiatan IFL yang walaupun capek, tapi bikin kepuasan batin saat udah nyelesaiin dengan baik. sebenarnya aku rada takut balik ke dunia nyata. kedokteran sedikit-sedikit jadi lebih menakutkan. i'm playing with people's destiny; the life and death. well, this is the thing that made me excited for the first time, i can make people live longer than they should. but what if i make some mistakes and do the reverse?

aku masuk bidang ini karna ketertarikan secara emosional. dan sadar, bahwa emosional nggak akan membawaku kemana-mana saat menempuh pendidikan ini. bisa-bisa aku nangisin mayat2 yang aku belah2 nantinya. sadar bahwa emosi yang awalnya membawa aku sejauh ini juga bisa bikin aku jadi dokter yang nggak profesional. emosi yang membantu aku meraih impianku, harus aku bekukan sedikit demi sedikit untuk menjadikan aku dokter yang kompeten; really?

aku nggak pernah tau, sampai aku bener-bener ngejalaninnya. tapi sejujurnya, dibalik semua kekhawatiran dan ketakutan itu, termasuk ketakutanku untuk nggak punya temen baru, aku merasa sangat beruntung dan semangat. i love doing magic, i love living in my dream:)

how the days pass

2011-08-03T06:40:00.006+07:00

udah lama banget ya, sejak potingan terakhirku. hehe iya, sekarang agak sedikit hectic.

i'm starting to work at my brother's office. gampang sih kerjaannya, gajinya jg nggak seberapa. cuma, seneng aja, disana aku ketemu keluarga baru:D kalo inget awal-awal abankirenk ada, rasanya.. lama sekali... aku lupa, awalnya itu smp apa sd ya, yang jelas aku masih sangat kecil. aku sering bikinin kakakku kopi atau milo, karna dia bilang, dia bakal jadiin aku sekertarisnya nanti di kantornya, saat abankirenk sudah besar. dan aku sih seneng-seneng aja. siapa yang nggak seneng, kerja sama kakaknya sendiri, cuma bikin kopi, tapi di gaji. hahaha. waktu itu cuma ada beberapa orang di kamar mas mirwan. and one thing i surely remember is their smoke. aku baru bener-bener tau rokok saat itu. buka kamar=buka cerobong asap. hahah. terus makin besar, mulai nyewa-nyewa tempat. kecil kecil, masih nggak cukup utk produksi, jd cuma sebagai showroom aja, terus lama lama, bisa nyewa yang lebih besar lagi. hehe dan yg paling settle adalah kantor pertama di deket hyatt, which is owned by my daddy actually ehehe, but my brother still pays for the rent though:D itu kantor pertama... makin besar... buka cabang di semarang.. dan lain-lain. sekarang ada kantor design, foto, dan marketing di jogja. di luar kota, aku nggak tau banyak:)

hehe ini sebagian kecil sekali keluarga baru di abankirenk:)

as this company grows bigger, kakakku punya waktu lebih sedikit untuk aku. dulu, aku dekeet banget sama dia. tapi, makin lama dia nggak bisa terus-terusan manjain aku. dan aku masih terus-terusan minta dimanja. ini yang bikin kita makin jauh. yah, at least aku bisa lebih deket sama kakak perempuanku. which is such a bless, kalo inget gimana kita bertengkar sangat parah beberapa tahun kebelakang:)

lalu kegiatan kedua yang juga lumayan menyita adalah IFL. indonesian future leaders chapter yogyakarta. i've been dreaming to do such a voluteering stuffs, dan IFL adalah satu-satunya pada saat itu yang ada dengan based leadership for better indonesia. sekarang di jakarta, maupun jogja, mungkin ada IYC, atau FFI, atau parlemen muda. but back to 2 months ago, aku baru tau IFL. sebenarnya, sebelumnya aku mendaftar salah satu non profit organisasi tentang menumbuhkan semangat membaca dan mendidik anak0anak kurang mampu. sayangnya, aku jarnag buka email saat itu, jadi ketinggalan untuk mengumpulkan syarat-syarat dan lain-lain.. :( tapi nggak papa, mungkin ini artinya aku harus lebih aktif di IFL:) semoga ini membawa pengaruh baik, nggak cuma buat diriku tapi juga orang lain:)

over all, aku senang sekali sibuk seperti ini. sibuk yang insyaAllah memberi manfaat. alhamdulillah, karna ini juga aku bisa lupa sama beberapa hal yang memang tidak perlu aku ingat lagi. alhamdulillah.

oh ya selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa semua! kiss*

become a medstudent

2011-07-07T21:43:00.004+07:00

aku inget banget, waktu smp, aku sering banget pulang sekolah naik bis dari sebrang sekolah, langsung ke rumah sakit, jenguk bude yanti yang lagi di rawat di ruang cendrawasih, atau kalo cendrawasih habis, biasanya ke ruang kusuma atau cempaka. bude adalah pengidap kanker payudara stadium 3. salah satu payudaranya udah diambil, tapi kanker terlanjur nyebar ke hampir seluruh badan bude. benjolan demi benjolan bude temui. bude terus menjalani kemo terapi, sampai bude memutuskan untuk membabat habis seluruh rambutnya, karna baginya melihat rambutnya rontok lebih menyedihkan daripada melihat dirinya sendiri tanpa rambut.

sampai saat itu, aku nggak pernah terpikir untuk menjadi dokter. aku cuma ingin kerja di kantoran, punya gaji besar, bertemu banyak orang, dengan baju yang modis dan dikelilingi banyak teman di ruangan dan hidup yang melegakan. tapi sebenarnya, tanpa aku sadari, aku suka sekali rumah sakit. suka dnegan keramah tamahan perawat, mata berbinar-binar dari pasien-pasien yang bahkan mungkin sudah divonis tidak akan hidup lebih lama lagi, semangat dan ilmu yang dibawa dokter untuk membuat keadaan lebih baik, atau bahkan bila tidak benar-benar lebih baik, untuk membuat keadaan terlihat lebih baik. i really really like hospital for sure.

pada akhirnya aku sadar, bahwa sebagai manusia aku belum bermanfaat. dan jadi dokter..., sampai sekarang buat aku, menjadi dokter adalah pekerjaan yang akan membuat aku menjadi orang yang lebih bermanfaat. aku tau, pekerjaan lain pun sebenarnya bermanfaat juga, di bidang masing-masing. cuma aku suka ini! sama aja kayak orang yang lagi suka-sukaan. kita nggak pernah bener-bener tau apa yang bikin kita suka sama orang itu, tapi kita tau apa yang kita suka dari orang itu.

aku suka pekerjaannya; menolong orang, membantu Tuhan menyalurkan obatNya, bertemu banyak orang, memberi harapan. aku suka belajarnya; human body, penyakit, cara penyembuhan, biokim, well i basically love reading, a lot!

and how did i get here?

yang jelas awalnya aku tau apa yang aku pengen. ada orang yang bilang ini mimpi, visi, tujuan, atau apa pun orang menyebutnya; tapi ini sesuatu yang aku pengeeen banget capai, dan aku usahakan. kelas 1, aku sempet dapet ranking 28. aku nangis sejadi-jadinya. gimana enggak, waktu smp aku nggak pernah keluar dari 10 besar. tapi aku sadar, aku sering banget bolos, dirumah jarang banget belajar, dan emang studi bukan tujuan utamaku saat itu. aku bener-bener pengen mengeksplor diriku, pengen tau masa-masa indah sma itu kayak apa. dan emang indah.

lalu kelas 2, aku udah mulai sadar. lama-lama rankingku naik jadi masuk 20 besar. itu aja aku udah bersyukuuuurrr... banget! padahal aku tau, itu nggak ada apa-apa nya. aku mulai pilih-pilih jam bolos dan sering pulang pagi--pulang pagi disini itu sebelum jam 4 maksudnya.terus dirumah belajar.. tapi aku nggak pernah bisa masuk 15 besar saat itu.

dan kelas 3, aku mompa belajarku. aku nggak ambil bimbel untuk harian, aku les privat untuk matika, fisika, dan kimia, masing-masing satu kali. aku nyesel nggak ambil biologi juga, karna bahan uan dan snmptn itu beda sama yang biasanya diajari ibu guru, dan kalo mau jago ya harus hapal buku cetak atau diajari guru les. aku ambil bimbel tiap hari minggu aja. aku tidur pernah sampai 4 jam sehari, lalu 5 jam sehari, sampai uan. aku pagi bangun jam 2, sholat, belajar, shubuh, sarapan, mandi, berangkat sekolah, pmkt (latian soal), sekolah, istirahat kadang aku pakai buat curi waktu buat tidur di uks, terus pulang, ngerjain pr atau tidur, terus les, magrib, makan, isya, belajar sampai jam 10. aku punya byku soal2 semua mapel dari 2 publisher yg berbeda, aku habisin satu paket 6 mapel dari satu publisher sebelum uan. aku kerjain juga lks detik2 uan yang sayangnya belum habis, padahal 75% soal-soal uan yang keluar pasti ada di lks itu, atau at least disinggung di lks itu. lalu 6 mapel soal-soal dari publisher yang satunya aku kerjain abis uan, aku juga beli soal2 snmptn 5 taun, dan soal2 matematika yang bagus banget dari sebuah bimbel, tapi sayangnya juga belum habis sampai aku selesai belajar untuk snmptn:"(

hasil dari semua usahaku itu, alhamdulillah hasilnya memuaskan. ranking dari try out intern atau ekstern alhamdulillah masuk 50 besar, bahkan 20 besar pararel. ini bukan untuk menyombongkan, tapi aku cuma pengen orang tau, bahwa nggak ada yang nggak mungkin, bahwa aku pun dari ranking 8 terendah di kelas bisa masuk 20 besar teratas di sekolah atau bahkan di sebuah try out ekstern. aku selalu merasa kalau aku cuma beruntung dapat ranking segitu, karna kalo orang tanya, aku belum tentu bisa jawab. dan aku bersyukur, aku seberuntung itu. anw, beruntung itu juga diusahakan lho!

setelah uan selesai aku fokus snmptn lagi, aku takut nggak lolos undangan, walaupun aku tau aku nggak punya banyak kesempatan juga. saat menunggu seleksi undangan tidurku udah bisa 6 jam sehari. semenjak selesai uan, aku ikut bimbel intensif setiap hari sampai snmptn, bekal persiapan kalau aku nggak lolos undangan. lalu seleksi undangan diumumkan, dan aku memang enggak lolos. disaat banyak sekali temen-temenku yang lolos, aku drop. pada saat mbuka hasilnya emang biasa aja, tapi sehari setelahnya, bangun pagi dan ngerasain gimana nyatanya hasil seleksi itu, aku mulai nangis. tapi langsung nyari temen untuk mencambuk semangat ku lagi. untung ada lala, tia, sandy dan cici yang terus bikin semangat.

sama aja kayak waktu sekolah, aku bangun jam 3, sholat malam, belajar sampai shubuh, lalu belajar lagi, terus mandi, les, abis les istirahat makan siang sholat, belajar lagi, sholat, belajar, magrib, makan, belajar sampai jam 10. gituuu terus. jenuh? jenuh banget. setaun aku belajar kayak gitu. bahannya sama aja, soal-soalnya gitu2 aja, tapi aku belum bener-bener jago. jelas banyak yang jauh lebih jago dari aku. dan kesempatan ini cuma sekali seumur aku hidup. jadi aku nggak mau menyia-nyiakan kesempatan ini, sama sekali. aku pernah ditolak sekali, dan jujur aja aku nggak siap ditolak untuk kedua kalinya. aku terus berdoa agar aku diterima, karna doaku dulu adalah diikhlaskan atas keputusan apapun itu. ya, aku emang ikhlas setelah itu, tapi aku ingin diterima, jadi aku berdoa terus untuk diterima.

dan alhamdulillah aku diterima. di sekolah kedokteran di perguruan tinggi negri ternama di kotaku:)

dreams do come true. dreams do come true. make your own dream, make it come true with your own way:)

ALHAMDULILLAH, DREAMS DO COME TRUE!

2011-06-29T21:52:00.001+07:00

ALHAMDULILLAH:)

i cant lie my self

2011-06-21T22:41:00.003+07:00

"it's been a while since i wrote stuffs on blog. i leave my old blog on blogger because it contained more feelings than thoughts. stupid and twisted feelings; kinda hate to read them again. those posts give me back the old feelings i should never thought. so that's why i made the WordPress one:)

dan aku mulai menulis menggunakan bahasa indonesia, kembali. sebenernya agak aneh sih nulis pakai bahasa gini, cuma aku nggak mau kehilangan kemampuan menulisku dalam bahasa indonesia! aku nggak bisa menjamin kalau aku bakal selamanya menulis pakai bahasa indonesia, it sounds... awkward for me (haha bahasa inggris lagi:p), cuma ya aku harus berusaha!:D

and i'm writing this as i have many readers... when it's none. bukan apa apa, tapi dari dulu sih aku nulisnya gini. ada atau tidak ada yang membaca pada faktanya, tapi aku menulis memang untuk dibaca sih sebenernya. ........... hahaha bohong. aku nggak pernah menulis untuk dibaca orang. i write because something's glued on my mind and i can't stand it, so i trash them all on blog.

now what's on my mind?

it's managing my life. we're never know how long we're gonna breath. it's maybe today, tomorrow, next month, next year, or maybe next five years, is our last time to breath. and that fact has been freaking me out. what if i'm gonna die tomorrow. have i done something great? will the world lost someone great? will the people lost someone important? well... at least, will the world lost on of its helper? will people lost one personality that would never be replaced? the answer of those must be a big no. it's kicking my stomach already.

people say: live for your own sake. im gonna say: im going to live for God's sake and people sake. im gonna leave a b0ld foot print. that's my vision of life........ lols. it's not that im thinking of that vision everyday, but when i'm lost, i'll always be remembering my self that i have to be something in life, not for my self, but for the people who need helps. there are billions of people, few of them living the life beautifully and the rest living the life suffering. i just find my self so happy making people happy, too. it's relieving!:) so i decided to make people happy as my purpose of life, since i wanna be happy in my entire life!

i've worked hard to make people happy, but their states of happiness are so random, literally. some of people like to be treated like A but the rest like to be treated like B, etc. it's tiring. then i finally found that i must be make it smaller; make my purpose smaller. since i like meeting new people and seeing hopes, i wanna be a doctor. i used to go to hospital every day because my auntie had a breast cancer that had spread all over her body--before she died 7 years later. and i love how hospital gives hopes to people, how nice the doctors and the nurses. and basically i love reading. i love being such a geek. i love dreaming to be a doctor, then.

i stopped on that. i cant think what minor i would be working on, would i be a doctor on hospitals, or be a lecturer, or have a clinic, or make a hospital, or anything. i just want to be as smart as i can, and i wanna help people as much as i can. please pray for me!

i should write these all in bahasa indonesia, right? $@%#^#^

oke. mungkin lain kali aku akan nulis pake bahasa indonesia, tapi enggak sekarang. aku nggak punya tenaga lagi buat menerjemahin semua ini;p

see ya!"

that was my post on wordpress, my wordpress. i tried to build something new. i want to forget the old me. but i cant. this is me, the old the new the now. i have to accept those 3 parts of me and im not going to lie to my self anymore. this sounds like a kind of self affirmation, doesn't it?:p hahaha whatever it is, it's reliving to be back writing here, again:)

is this really June already? ghhh, im feeling like im going trough 2011 without really doing anything. so saad!:( but the rest 2o11 im gonna make a huge effort to make this year lasts! wish me luck!:)

another Hello, again

2011-05-07T15:46:00.018+07:00

i was watching a reality show then one question bothered me, so much.
"Do you believe in yourself?"
"... Eighty percent ... yes ..."
"Really? Because what we're seeing is you're eighty percent do not believe in yourself."

I felt like shot gunned.
Then I asked myself, "Do you believe in yourself?"

you can see me smiling all over, doing silly Things, talking like I do not care about anything but me but inside, I Actually Almost can not believe any of what I do.
I do not know when was the first time I started to feel that way. Because Actually I was born reallllly bold. All of my family loves me. They tell me I'm beautiful and incredible as a kid. I was brave Enough to walk alone without any adult since I was on Kindergarten. I believed That I was good Enough to live. I had no doubt about anything.

But then it changed.
I got my friends Rejected me since I was on fifth graders. They said it's how I talked, how I Moved My lips, how I made friends with circles of friends That annoyed Them. They made me do every group-task We Had. They insulted what I'd done. They made me wrote a love letter to someone's crush, and then that person took me to a place and she mad at me for that. I was forced! If I didn't do that, they said they would never be my friends. And those friends WHO forced me just laughing and just made the situation worse.
When I'm writing this my heart hurts. And I just remembered that I've been forgetting this since....years ago

Then junior high school. I was not a smart ass on elementary school back then, but I was confident enough that it might be hard but I still hadn't lose my hope to get into the best school in town. Then I was accepted. At the first month there, I cried. I missed my friends, not the ones That bullied me. But the guy-friends. (Yes, in elementary school, I failed made friends with those girls, so I tried to have a good friendship with boys and it worked.) When I finally Could pass the first year, the second year wasn't much better. Almost a whole class hated me. They even had a special occasion, kind of meeting for every girl in the class, with Some lists in papers of what's so bad about me. You know, now what I Recognize from myself is what is so bad about me. Some people ware kind Enough to treat me normally. But no one really fought that. I thought it was karma for me, for ever did that to a person WHO laid a whole class. at that moment, it was like: now it's my turn!! I can not say I'm a saint. i know what i did is just wrong. and it happened for reasons, for making me realize that it's not anyone's right to judge people, to make other's life seem worse, because the world itself is cruel. At least I could learn That I SHOULD NEVER judge anyone for what They had chosen in life.
Almost every day I cried. Things I wrote on book. I kept blaming myself for having Such an ugly personality. The closest friends were the ones WHO hated me the best, it was such a. .. I do not know. I just do not know how to properly write what I felt. They Might hate me so much for this post. They always toll me ........ That should I forget it all. But if you were me, can you forget a terrible memory? When no-one can not accept you. When you feel like you DONT have any place to go, to stay, except my bedroom? You do not have anyone to talk to. Because you can not imagine you have not felt that way. May you then say: I know how to behave, unlike you. That's the point. They kept telling me what's wrong about me without letting me know how to fix it. I was so confused. And ... Is there no one that has worse personality than mine? There will Be many. So if you want to fix me, why did you use unpleasant words?
That time I needed justify.
Then Some guy-friends felt bad about me. I made friends with most of Them. But then I was said as a bitchy.
Then I saved my money to buy some self-helping books. Then They said I was on a bad diet.

Every morning in the car, when We Crossed Gramedia book store, my heart beat faster. What am I going to do today? Am I going to survive? Can't I just skip school?

Senior year. I thought it would be better. Well, it was better. But I Remembered, again. It was afternoon and my closest friend was sitting on the opposite of me, looking through my eyes, then looking down, then looking at EACH other. They were the resource persons like on the opposite. Then They said what's bad about me again. They talked as it was for me, but Actually, it hurt.
Then I said to one of my friend: I do not feel like I deserve you all. I am too bad to anybody.
And she said: what did you say? Come on ...

Enough of junior high school, it was the time to focus on getting to the best school in town. but then I just don't have confidence. I Didn't believe That I can't get trough the best high school in town.
Then I Didn't get into the best school. I Did not even apply for that. That I was that not confident.

The high school I got into is the modest one. That I was not comfortable at first, so I made friends as much as I could, played as much as I could, skip as many classes I could. It was fun.
Then, second year. People started to hate me. They talked my back. No one was really on my side. The ones I trust the ones WHO also spilled my story and made others hate me more. Why? Because I seemed like seek so much attention, annoying, buzzing, and others. But do you notice? i didn't really do something that bother their life, actually. I did not spill Their secrets, I did not back stab people, I did not lie people. I treated Them as good friends.

And this is a big truth: People see me like I fall for guys so easily, but actually, I fall for how They showed Their feelings to me. How They paid attention to me. How They seemed like would do anything for me.

And I didn't really fall for many guys. There is just one I can not forget, I can not get out of my mind. But Some of my friends didn't like us being together so much; they acted like... forget it. Then I was like on a crossing road: Between the friends I've been Longing and the one I loved the most.

Then I chose friends

Because I have never really had Them. And the love? ...

And I cried a lot at night. i ever thought to get a psychologist .... but I was never brave enough to just come to a professional helper. I was too broken to anyone.

well, my forever friends are just books and music. They helped me a lot trough these all. Although they can't perfectly heal me, I just feel better to put my focus on other things.

The more I read books, the more I want to be a doctor. I feel like un-beneficial human beings. I thought doctor can make people think that Their life is saved. People love how doctor knows what to do to make Them better. I love how people feel blessed because of what doctor does to Them, even just what doctor does a procedure in his job. I love how people feel so happy just because doctor had checked them and Gave Them advice. It's like everyone Would like me, Because I seem like heal Them or even just make Them feel better.

Biggest So That is my motivation to be a doctor.
To simply be happy and accepted.
And I'm working hard on it. Dear God, please, I beg you please, let me get this chance to get into the best med. School in this town. Pretty please? Amen.

.....
.....
.....
Now I have nothing to write.
Now I feel so much better ...
I do not lie:)

and despite of those Things, I really appreciate the ones WHO keep supporting me. I'm sorry for have not be a good person, yet. I m sorry I ever bothering annoying being a bad human being. and I'm sorry for ever just being me ...

and I'm sorry if any of my words hurt you here, any of whoever WHO read this (even just one or two Humans). I just try to be true of what I've been feeling. You do not know how I feel, keeping this, without having anyone to share. Any single one. So I try to share here, so for anyone who feels the way I feel, gets trough what I've been trough, I just Want to say: you are not alone.

and this is not like i don't forgive the people, or i hate them. i've never taught to hate people. but i just can't let the hatred of the past goes. i just can't forgive the past.

I promise I keep changing me into the better.
People Might say: you are not true to yourself!
But I will from say: what if true to me does not Enough for anybody?

Thanks for bothering yourself to read Such a Long Readings. Thanks for not judging after you read this. Thanks for apologizing and keep me Praying for me.

2011-03-22T07:00:00.001+07:00

"Barangsiapa yg tdk ridha thdp ketentuan-Ku, dan tdk sabar atas musibah dari-Ku, maka carilah Tuhan selain Aku." (HR. Bukhari&Muslim)

vday

2011-02-12T21:59:00.009+07:00

this is the sweet. really. could you mention any singer who ever did the same thing as that? he's incredible! and sweet:)

Januari ;-)

2011-01-23T17:18:00.005+07:00

"Yeah, move fast, be bold. Focus on impact. And, I think , you know, I think long term focus is a really important part of this and we've had a lot of opportunit1es to optimize for the shorter term whether it's in selling the company or doing in different products that would have benefited us in the short term but not optimized for the long term impact. I just think opportunities like this don't come around that often. So, when you get one, I feel like you almost have a duty to see it through and built it to be what it can be."

January is almost over. i just can't believe that 2011 would be running this fast, really. last week i did a med.school entrance's test, private college one. and alhamdulillah, i'm accepted:) but youknow what, it becomes blurry now. all my dreams to be a doctor, is going to be blurry. doesn't mean i don't wanna be a doctor, but..... it's like. 'ok, i'm accepted, so why don't i jump into that college like now, study about anatomy, pathology, and all, forget about the other tests? but no, you have to do national exams, do a state-college-enrollment-test. rrr, oke. do that. let's say i've accepted in somewhat university studying medicine ... then what? study again. reaal hard. so ok, let's do it. saying hello again to slepless night. another 5 periode of slepless night. less holiday. then well, i'd be a doctor, then what?'
and after that me-and-my-mind fights, now all become moreeeee real than ever. as mark zuckerberg said:
I just think opportunities like this don't come around that often. So, when you get one, I feel like you almost have a duty to see it through and built it to be what it can be.

state university's enrollment test doesn't come that often, in my lifetime. so why don't we strive real hard, look what it would be, be proud of any result of that, say hello to other opportunities, smile again, work hard again anytime i see an opportunity again, and so on, and go on, and that's how life works. i'm gonna do this for the smart-ass people in the whole world that don't have that much opportunity as i have now. and for the God's sake. and for life's challenge's sake.

i hate the nowadays people's idea about getting something instantly. life isn't like polaroid camera, you click one, and the result come out that fast. someone said life's like a wheel, and another person said life's like going up to the mountain. i'd rather say that life is like a dry leaves. at first, you are green, hanging on a tree, then wind take you up and down, with its hard and slow way. you may swinging, or just staying at the ground, but wind always take you to an adventure once again, and once again, and once again, until you break down into pieces, and hopefully give a benefit to soil around. and for the people who belive in EVERYTHING COMES INSTANTLY, i'm gonna tell you one thing; that you're damn insane.

the point is, enjoy the whole proccess. when you wish it'd be end soon, it'd be end. you happy? not, you're not. you're missing the moments you've been spending without realizing. it'd be just like a blink of eye. or even if you're happy, there are plenty of processes you should do before you die. you think get something ended makes you happier? no. happy is nothing but inside your heart. i'm still working on that, as everyone else; be happy inside. let's work together. and Thanks God, i have You to help me get trough this:)

what's inspiring this month:
1. La Tahzan. REAAAALLLYYY GOOODDD!!!!
2. the social network.
3. imogen heaps.

so yeah, another week comes. goodluck everyone!:)

2011-01-08T22:17:00.001+07:00

it's not about just living the life, it's about having a hope in dream. yet it's not only about having a dream, it's about striving real hard to get it. and after all, it's only about God behind it all;-)

the last day of 2010

2010-12-31T14:34:00.003+07:00

this is kinda hard for me, to write such an epilogue for this goddamn year. a year which showed me variety of love, kinds of friends, the strength of a dream and a thing called faith to God. ups and downs will always be there fulfilling the day by day for a whole year, and it'll be repeated for the next year.

i got close with a guy, who made me happy, who was there anytime i need; but i simply didn't feel the sparkle of the thing we called love. no heartbeat, no so-happy-moment, or something. we just realized it then we got separated. it wasn't like we had a relationship. but eight months close was special. then i let go a guy because i thought a friend would be so much worthy, but until now, i can't say anything about this. i can't say it was a good or bad choice. but i know God has done what's good for me. and i built a real relationship, but it was fake enough to make me realize that it would not be good. it was ended soon as i made a priority. as if my sister knew what i know about him, she'd be understand more.
lesson's learned: that i have to meet the jerk ones so i can be thankful of a guy God will give me in the end.

what i've been thankful so much about 2010 is i get back my closest mates of junior high. we grew up, we got apart, but then age realizing us something; that understanding is a matter. i love them:) in 2010 i also found some good friends. but there are fake ones among them. they talked behind my back. they disscussed about my bad attitude, instead of telling me the truth, give me advice and let me do instropection. they treated me badly. but then, they were nice to me sometimes. so i don't really think about that. all i'm gonna do is dong a betterment; be a growing self.
lesson's learned: that i may need some close friends to share with, i need to fit in, but just stay true, keep myself on the first priority, forgive quickly, forget about the bad ones:)

i've been dreaming about being a doctor since the first year in high school. i've posted so many things about that things, about the reasons, about the vision, and all. and it's a stepping year to get that dream. 2011 will be door to that dream. i have to study sooooooooo hard to get that. i know it won't be easy, or if it's easy, it'll lose its meaning. i don't wanna waste my time. i'm gonna do all my best to get that. what makes me sad is people are just too ambitious to get what they want in a bad way. some of people are planning to cheat using a collaguage ticket or a large amount of money to get into the university they want. and for me, i'm letting go of my ego about going to the best uni; what's matter is doing a good thing, working hard, and still on a right path. i know God will give me the best as if i do my best too:) during my downs, what made me standing strong for more was my dream. dream is a hope of future which present doesn't give. dream does betterment to me. dream makes me closer to God. dream does everything i need to have a quality life:)
lesson's learned: dream is the greatest invisible gift God has given to me that has made so many both invisible and visible blessings to me.

this year is another step to get me close to Allah. things go rough lately, then i had no power at all. but when i tried to get closer to God, it was like something to hold on. something to help me go trough all of the things. Allah has been really nice to me. He always answered my question (which lately i got it less than ever). Ramadhan was the month when i felt like He talked to me most. but then, lately, these weeks, i just feel like He's too quite. maybe it's because i've been examined and i haven't done it well. when i finish it all, Allah will talk to me as before. Allah is the GREATEST gift since i was born. Allah is the thing that makes my life easier to get trough. thanks Allah, to let me be a muslim since i was born. that was the biggest thing i should be thankful of. thanks for being there, always.
lesson's learned: religion is more than having the name of God on your bible, it's a faith that lead us to have a better life:)

done for reviewing 2010. and resolution for 2011?
1. get into best medical school.
2. get closer to Allah, family and friends.
3.be the better version of me
4. get perfect GPA for the whole academic year..
5.make new friends
6.help more people.
7.be able to drive car, cook some meals, and play piano:)

that's it. what about yours?:)

2010-12-28T20:34:00.008+07:00

"I’m tough on myself in terms of my standards, but that’s also part of my pleasure: knowing you are being your fullest self."

grammar lesson:

2010-12-22T18:16:00.003+07:00

6. The use of Another, Other, Others and Else The words another, other, others and else are used to indicate one or more additional or different things.

Another is formed from a combination of the words an and other, and has a meaning similar to one other. When used as an adjective, another can precede only a singular countable noun. When used as a pronoun, another takes a singular verb.
e.g. Please bring me another knife.
Another of her uncles lives in Montreal.
In the first example, another modifies the singular noun knife. In the second example, the pronoun another is the subject of the singular verb lives.

Other can be used with singular countable, plural countable or uncountable nouns.
e.g. The other door is open.
The other streets are paved.
Do you have any other luggage?
In these examples, other modifies the singular countable noun door, the plural countable noun streets, and the uncountable noun luggage.

Another usually cannot be immediately preceded by a determiner. In contrast, when used before a singular countable noun, other usually must be preceded by a determiner.
e.g. Please pass me the other cup.
I do not know any other way to do it.
There must be some other explanation.
In these examples, other is used with the singular countable nouns cup, way and explanation, and is preceded by the determiners the, any and some.

When other modifies a singular countable noun, the noun is sometimes omitted, particularly in the expression one ... the other.
e.g. I have two pens. One is green and the other is blue.
One of my parents is a teacher; the other is a doctor.

In these examples, the nouns following the word other are understood, rather than expressed. In the following sentences, the nouns which are understood are enclosed in square brackets.
e.g. I have two pens. One is green and the other [pen] is blue.
One of my parents is a teacher; the other [parent] is a doctor.

Others is a pronoun. Others can be used to take the place of the word other, followed by a plural countable noun.
e.g. Those trees are hemlocks; the others are pines.
Ten people belong to the group, and five others are planning to join.
In the first example, others takes the place of the words other trees. In the second example, others takes the place of the words other people.

Others is often used in the expression some ... others.
e.g. Some books are easy to read, but others are quite difficult.
Some people like classical music, while others prefer jazz.

The word else has a meaning similar to other. However, rather than being used as an adjective preceding a noun, else usually follows interrogative pronouns such as who and what, and indefinite pronouns such as anyone and someone.
e.g. Who else was at the meeting?
What else is on the agenda?
Has anyone else solved the problem?
Someone else may be able to help you.

2010-12-22T06:17:00.000+07:00

PRETTY MUCH TRUE;,(

2010-12-22T06:13:00.003+07:00

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, DEAR THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD!
read: MY MUM!!

i love you for the love and fights we have:)

in love with this dorama!

2010-12-19T00:53:00.005+07:00

now it's been two days i'm watching nodame; a Japanese dorama. i tried to rent the whole episodes but i couldn't find it yet. so i watch it online. such a wasting time. really. the buffering and all. but it's all worth it. i really like nodame. i love the characters. i really like it! and it's sooooo funny!!!!! i laughed a lot! and it's 2 am already which is.... THE INTERNET CONNECTION GOES REALLY FAST! nooooo buffering at all!

and about my exams result, got 7th rank. that's worse than the last exam, i know. but well, i have to admit that i wasn't discipline enough to prepare the last exams. i was too happy for having 6th rank on my pocket and got my twitter back, so i forgot to keep focusing on my study. so these mark stuffs have been kicking me, and i just promised my self to do a whole lot of betterment.

pray for me, please?

about nodame. this is remembering me about auntie. she liked to played organ in the midnight or late night, or dawn; i don't really remember the exact time, but i guess it was before dawn and after late night, because there was me sleeping and woken up by her playing. it was nice. she gave me the organ to me as she died, but i haven't been able to work on it. and i guess it has something to fix, the cable or something; in short it's unable to play with. and i have a goal in 2011 that i will able to play that organ well, so i will not disappoint bude, there:)

sincere

2010-12-17T23:25:00.005+07:00

top 5 playlist:

until you - Dave B

superman -Taylor Swift

1000 times - tahiti 80

4the way you look tonight - maroon 5

83 - john mayer

This month has been a twist for me. Ups and downs come along. It’s December already. The month I’ve always loved. I love Christmas tree. I love Christmas cartoon. I love snow. I love New Year eve. I love the end of a year. I love December. I love our memory, dear December.

I love the scent of a December fragrance. I have a weird kind of memorizing something. It’s like a kind of visual memory i can remember exactly what happened when i use some fragrance. And the best fragrance is the perfume I used in December 2009. I remember numbers and letters with colors. I ever wrote about this before. 1 is white, 1 is orange, 3 is brown, 4 is blue, 5 is red, six is ocean blue, 7 is green, 9 is dark brown, ten is an 10 with a bold black border and white inside it. That’s how I memorizing something since I was kindergarten. And I’m seeing 2011 overall in a white in my mind. I hope it's because I’m going to be a med student. I really hope so:)

A word that has been buzzing my mind lately is sincere. Having a dream to be a doctor is not easy. You know, the people who don't want to be a doctor sincerely are just ruining my dream. It’d be easier if I just dreamt to be another one, to be architect for example. It’s cool enough, it's artsy, it's beautiful, and no one will ruin my dream; no one who doesn't want to be an architect get into that faculty. Passionate people chasing their dreams with their own visions’d surround me.

Having a dream is such a great gift God had given to me. You know, dream let the best version of you come out. You’ll be soooo motivated to be the best. you'll do the best that you can and surrender on the result. You'll believe in God more. you'll do the things you had never imagined before. It’s been a magic. I love life more. I appreciate more of what God has given to me. Both good and bad things. It’s all on a certain purpose. Something that I do for my self. Something that always been my escape for times.

I’m not a good person. I found many of my friends dislike me. I had my friends bullied me since I was on elementary school. So when I talked to someone about this he said; 'you should look on yourself. It has been more than once, it's must be something wrong with you'. And you know what? I already knew that. I knew that I’m not good enough as a social person. But I was just asking for someone who will be sincerely enough to fix me rather than blame me. Did they know how my life had been? No, they didn’t. And they didn't have any rights to put blame on me.

Sincere. I’m not more than a person who don't know how to treat people. How to say something right. How to be objective enough. How to spill out cool ideas. How to put some minds into one good line to be followed. I have no guts. I have no self-esteem, no confidence, and full of pessimistic. How could a person like this attract another one? I’ve never been interested in a relationship thingies just because I know my capability isn't good enough to have that kind of complex thing. And I know that's the reason I have less close friends and more enemies than others. But who has enough courage to be sincerely go trough with me and wholeheartedly fix me is what I need the most. Sounds egoistic, right? But I know God wills my hope be real since I haven't been a good human, already. I’m changing into someone, changing, changing and changing. People don't know how much courage I just wasted just to fix in. I’m terribly tired of chasing people. Yet they haven't loved me yet. I’m still invisible and my sound would be a silence wind.

And the ones who do many things sweet sincerely are just the ones who're collected into some bond I called family. They’re great. I am not a good child. Not a good daughter, not a good sister. But it surprised me how they treat me really well. I even think I don't even deserve that. But they're really wonderful. I don't find anyone who could beat his or her love.

My friends would read this by any time. So I’d like to ask them a question; have you ever talked my bad behind me? And I bet all of them will answer yes. I don't have a cool characteristic to make people stick with me. But I have one thing; I always been sincere with people, or I’d better away from them. When I say something, I mean it. When I do something, it's because I want them to be happy. I lose the ones I loved; I’d never get the one I really liked just because I love my friends more. But do they love me more than their loved ones? No they don't. And it's normal. I don’t blame them. I just disappointed with my self, knowing the fact that I am that worthless.

That’s why I want to get out of this city, this country. I want to build something good to my self. Want to bring a good weather to me. To leave out the hatred behind. Leave the fakeness. 'Cause you know, when finally move out, no one will be really care to me. No one will pay attention to me, and no one will hurt me. When the others build a bridge, I build a wall instead. It’s kind of a protection, I guess. But just a bit weird, I know.

Being a doctor is an escape from that unpleasant reality. I really want to get out of here:)

2010-12-11T19:41:00.001+07:00

The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!

2010-12-11T18:15:00.001+07:00

I hate that feeling when you see something and for that second, you feel your heart drop, and your throat swells up and you feel tears in your eyes and you just can’t speak. You can’t do anything but stare. And then it sinks in and it’s this unbelievable feeling in your chest. Like it’s collapsing on you. And all you can do next is cry.

Hello there!

2010-12-04T20:17:00.000+07:00

You ruin my first december post. Yeah you.
After all, you're still, a hypocrite. I know what you did. May God give you the worst revenge, ever. Amen:)

halo, ceman!;-)

2010-11-10T00:38:00.002+07:00

Ceman, aku masih idup lho. Hapeku masih nyala. Rumahku belum pindah. Jadwalku weekend selalu kosong. *melambaikantangan*
Hehe. Know what i mean?:p

Greeting you

2010-11-10T00:34:00.000+07:00

H: kenapa?
S: karna dia itu bajingan. Munafik. Anjing.

Hallo. sadar diri boleh lho. Munafiknya itu lhoo nggak ketulungan. Sok baik sok perfect sok charming soook enchanting. Eeew. cuma Tuhan dan beberapa orang yang tau busuk2nya. Hahaha. Kasian yang ketipu. Bohongin aja terus diri sendiri. Fake plastic. Nanti juga situ sendiri yg kena imbasnya. Selamat ya;)

alhamdulillah

2010-10-30T20:30:00.002+07:00

all of the works i've done. those sleepless nights, now it's all paid. got the 6th rank on the class, and in top 50 rank in the whole school. quite good. but still need to lift it up. alhamdulillah. thanks Allah:)

it's true, that i loved you:)

2010-10-29T20:57:00.006+07:00

2008. the best. 2010, let me have another chance to feel that kind of feeling one more time.
and this morning i just knew that a greeting could make the day a whole lot better:)

quick updates

2010-10-24T14:48:00.008+07:00

i promise myself to write some stuffs outta here. yes, i'm cheating to tumblr, already. i easily reblog someone's post that just related to me. it's fun! plus there are so many beautiful pictures, i do love pictures! but still, gonna do my promise. here i go:

1. went to mita's home in january, bought and took aliban's birthday cake in july, stayed in manda's room for hours and got her a doggie-doll in september, baked fortune-cookies for cici in september too; i never missed any of their birthdays even our friendship was little awkward, cracked, or anything you name that. that's a trully blessings. alhamdulillah:)

2. my dream. some people came and said some words, some of them were on my mind and were gonna ruin my whole dream, but God never let that happen. i'm learning to less hear about negative things. i'm working hard to let that be my newest habit.

3. i don't eat chicken on weekday any longer. not because of diet or that kinda things (well, my weight's still the same, anyway), it's because of a biology class. the teacher told the class how those chicken produced from a farm. and it's just pretty ugly way to treat a kind of animal. bad nutritions, bad place, bad bad bad bad treatments. i don't feel like i have good thing for eating that kind of chicken. so i decided to quit eating chicken. and why only on weekdays? because on weekend i always had myself went out with people or simply my family who ate chickens, and it didn't feel right to not eat chicken too. i'm doing that for almost 2 months. gonna decrease chicken-consumption for more, i hope i can be chicken free for next month. and pure vegetarian in the next year. bismillah:)

4. i study hard. play hard as well. weekends never been enough. friends are missing, or is it me? i do what i should do, and God do the rest. Allah knows what's the best for me and i will sincerely accept of what Allah will give to me in the finish line:)

5. I watched the Oz of wizard (which was produced in 1939) and the sound of music (1965). THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD MOVIE!!! but still nothing beats "the pride and prejudice"!!!

6. my moon-key, monkey; i miss you....

7. i spent those weekends with friends since i miss them so quite terribly, but this weekend i spent it with parents. sister and brother went to some place and i just enjoyed my time with parents! uuuu:3

8. i miss watching grey's anatomy! i miss the season which have LESS sex part on it. (just realized that i miss-typed on this point. And i made a huge difference. I forgot put LESS before sex. And.... Well. Yeah.)

9.i love floral stuffs! i just had a little shopping and now i feel like 200000% better!!! the smell of new stuffs is always a great mood-booster!

10. it's the end of october already? time does run soooooo fast!!!!

kangeeen!

2010-10-03T16:49:00.003+07:00

aku kangeeen sama temen temenkuu!!!!

yang tiap pulang sekolah harusnya ketemu, maen, jalan, kongkowww, hahahha. dan tiap aku blg: aku kangen, main yuk. mostly jawabannya: kamu sih belajar terus. padahal ya aku jarang ketemu orang soalnya aku les privat, kelasku di lantai satu, dan aku nggak sekelas sama temen-temen mainku. coba temen-temenku dilantai satu, sekelas sama aku, satu bimbel. mungkin aku nggak sekangen ini, dan mungkin aku nggak dibilangin belajar terus. aku sering ngajak pergi tapi mungkin pada sibuk, jadi sampe sekarang belum terealisasikan-____- lebay ya kangennya. abis, ketemu aja nggak pernah, mau ngobrol udah ketinggalan update banyak, mau ngasih update cerita bingung mulai darimana. jadi banyak yang terjadi dan aku nggak tau, dan banyak yang terjadi tapi aku simpen sendiri; akhirnya nyesek-_- bisa jadi dewasa nggak dengan cara ini? ha ha ha. aku malu kangen sama temen-temen sendiri, kayak apaan aja haha ini pathetic bgt. tapi coba diposisiku, temen sekelas nggak ada yang bisa diajak curhat ala biasanya, kompetisinya bikin mati haha, jarang ketemu temen-temen, tiap ke belakang pas pulsek nggak ada orang. huks. aku pernah sekali istirahat gitu ke atas nyari orang, eh dibilang pathetic : kok kayaknya kamu kasian bgt nin sampe nggak punya temen ke atas gitu. hmmm. yaudah deh. aku jd bingung. untjyuu-.- yang ada sekarang kakak-kakakku. tapi mereka kalo dateng juga malem, sibuk juga lagi. aku kangen ngobrol. aku kangen sama manusia!!!!!!!!

pokoknya abis mid aku mau kongkoowww! mau ke coklat momento apa nyoba tempat baru pokoknya sama temen-temenku!!! kangennnnn...:(((

one of those posts

2010-09-30T19:43:00.005+07:00

i watched a korean drama serial. that's really good that i wanna jump to another day so i can watch the next episode more and more. i love every korean drama. it's just soooo sweet!! i love sweet novels too. i love anything drama, comedy and romantic stuff!! so you have any recommendation of that? tell me please:D

and about the real world...well, i ever wanted to have such a romantic stuff during high school years. bear, flowers, sweet date, and so on. and i got them all, from my friends, not the boyfie or kinda that. i ever asked my self, what's wrong about me? am i blabla am i blabla am i blabla? then i know few things.

do i really wanna stuck to a guy? i asked my self... and i'm not sure what to say. it doesn't mean i wanna hook up with thousands guys, but it's about my self. i'm more an independent, do anything i want, go to anywhere i want, make my own decision; without being with anyone else. i've got used to it since there are less people fit me. and being with someone means disappointing my self. so i started to be individual and only count on few closest friends. they are good, really;-)

are those guys really good for me? i've never sure. i mean, none of those guys really think of me and want the best for me. i ever thought that maybe they are random people who want a happiness by being with a random good girl. and having a guy that want the best for us......will be a total crap. when i have my heart for someone, i wanna the best for him, being the closest friend even if it hurts real bad... doesn't really matter. but i've never felt that kind of feelings since years ago. since the guy i was really nice to was real jerk. i thought high school years should be fulfilled by those great friends and dreams.

i easily get mad, i hate hypocrites and i hate those people who bring me down without any good reason. i don't deserve that kind of behavior. i used to be mad and do such a revenge. but i don't anymore. i don't wanna please those asses to make them feel like an important rule in my life. they're nothing more than a stepping stone that makes me jump so high that they can't ever reach. fuck you, people. fuck those hypocrites that wanna be good on everyone’s eyes, you're lying yourselves! go.to.hell.

i'm nice to those jerks and being a bitch to good guys. i don't know why i'm doing that but it's like automatically works. so if im treating you well, means you're a jerk. but if i act like a bitch (cruel..really) , be proud, you're a good guy!:p

i'm sorry for having such a great pride but i don't think those guys deserve me. none of them really know me.if i do most of what you want me to do, it means im notsincerely, and not much people know this. well, i do whatever i like, that's how i live, and people get used to it and some of them are mad with me. but that's it. i don't force anyone to do what i want or understand it, i simply do what i want and that makes me happy. i only need happiness. don't people need it?

sometimes, when i'm doing good things, i may not sincerely do that. i only wanna be a good person, do what good person used to do. but i'm not that kind of person. i'm not a good person like an angel who pleases anybody. no, i'm not. and i don't know if i'm doing a good thing for my self, for anyone else, or only for God's sake. i don't know if i'm doing good thing sincerely or not. i just know that it's the best thing to do, the right thing to do, and the way to live the life. so my dream, that dream, is a big thing. because it might be the first thing i do for my self, for my own sake. i don't think about people, i'm doing good things to show my value of a person. i'm actually not a good person but i live the life like a good person do, it kills sometimes. to hide the pain, to show the smile, pretending like it's absolutely fine, like i'm not mad or sad. it hurts. i thought it's called growing up, anyway.. to lose the person we used to be.

i'm sensitive. a little thing can be a huge thing for me. that's why i make a great wall. that's why i'm being cruel for times. i wanna protect the little fragile thing inside.

so, fate about love? i don't have it. but fate about marriage? i do believe in it. fate about dreams? i'm more than just believe. fate about God? the biggest fate i've ever had in the life. God is the best thing i have. when i'm down when i'm up God always be there......i love you God.

Well, people do come and go. so what's the point about making a huge great bond with another person? even it's about friendship, now i'm learning to have a little space. i don't believe in the lasting relation between people but marriage and family tree. i lost my trust to people. REALLY. they who called friends said in some way that i might not reach my dream. they who called friends broke promise. they who called people i know well lied behind my back. so i lost it. and i don't blame those people. i don't judge them. it's absolutely normal to do that all. that's we called human, not angel. life gets hard, people harder, but i'm always hard. so it doesn't matter. i can handle it. you may say i'm just a little girl that doesn't know anything about life and only blubbering, but i do know about my world, my own life. and your life? why should i know?

this is another confession. watch your behavior. i may seem like dont know anything but i know more than you ever think. and you may don't see anything, but actually i'm doing a lot of things, and just to make you killed, i have an ability to do that, really.

updates

2010-09-17T11:57:00.002+07:00

many things happen. changes. many things have changed. again. it's like have a life in a fast train. have no place to stop by. the good view can't even be remembered, wonderful but i have no time to enjoy it because the next second, it dissapears.

actually i wanna write many, many, many things. the family. the cool daddy (wore ocean-blue jeans, white shirt and leather jacket. he rocked the cinema!;p) and his thoughts, the dream that has some revisions, the mates that even get closer and i miss so much, the school stuffs, university enrollment, nephews and nieces, new cute stuffs i just bought (reaaallyyy cute ones!!!), the great relationship my closest friends have (yes, all of my high school mates already have a boyfie, all of them. let's count, like 4 or 5. nooo i don't want any, either!! lols. just glad that they're all now happy).

but let's keep it all for my self. and you can mark one thing, plus underline that if you want; i am extremely happy. great friends, old mates, good family, the new dreams.....and all. but most of all, it's about the God. alhamdulillah i am a moslem. Allah is the greatest thing in life. thank You:)

i miss blogging. promise to have a long updates!

Magic

2010-09-10T06:58:00.002+07:00

my buddy texted me:

Ya Allah,
Muliakanlah sahabat kami yang membaca pesan ini, bahagiakan keluarganya, berkahu rezekinya&sehatkan jasadnya, kuatkan imannya, tinggikan derajatnya, eratkan tali persaudaraan kami&kabulkan do'anya
"Barang siapa memaafkan ketika mampu membalas maka Allah akan memaafkannya pada hari yang sulit."
[Hr. Thabrani]

that's what i called magic. thought it was the way God told me about the whole thing.

And again, happy ied mubarak;-)

go go power rangers

2010-09-06T15:35:00.002+07:00

thanks for the blasted day.
ulen sentalu, klaten, solo, jogja, malioboro, semuanya. makasih udah ngingetin aku tentang banyak hal. ngejek mataku dan semuanya. dan akhirnya bikin aku lebih bersyukur. makasih!:-)

Lesson learned. Case closed.

2010-09-06T14:41:00.001+07:00

i was sad, it did hurt but i don't wanna over dramatically react on this. I mean, love does come and go. I may not a good person to stay with. I have a lot of minus so i don't deserve the whole heart, the love or something, i'm still wondering. But that's it. I should learn over this:

That i shouldn't believe in certain things;-)

summer finn

2010-09-04T13:31:00.004+07:00

"Ok. I like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and
people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of
the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we
can and, save the serious stuff for later."
-Summer Finn-

summer finn, you're cool!:p

New day!;-)

2010-09-04T13:01:00.004+07:00

I don't talk to my entire family since monday and no one really notice. If only they asked me whats going on, i'd tell them about the dissapointment. I've seen many surrenders upon me. most of friends had given me up but thanks God i have the rest who will be there all the time i need them.
since everybody gives up on me, i've ever thought to give up on life. I've bullied for times. People want me to change in most of my growing up time. Parents keep comparing their daughters. Big dreams that people always doubt. love thingie was on least list.
And why becoming a doctor always been my dream? Because i can help people; thats an eternal feelings of happiness i thought, and i only get a tiny but important communication with those patients so the chance to hurt each other is lessen. have many good convertations with many people sounds great!:p
After i get used to the present life, it changes, i have to do adaptation over again. And now it's time to that transformation. Yes. Over again. I decided to be stronger. More mature. And forget about painful things. I will be independent. Sorry for feelings no needed but i just wanna stand strong. I dont wanna be ruined, over again. Yes. I am messed up. But im now sitting in front of the mirror with a comb with all the make ups and also the dress. When i sad, i stop and start to be awesome.
I'm ready to be awesome!!=)

video of the month! love it!

2010-09-02T20:23:00.000+07:00

thanks God;-)

2010-09-02T19:46:00.004+07:00

It’s been such a blessing to feel this way; kind of happiness in almost all of aspects in life. Or if anything goes wrong, I’ll just ignore it. I mean, what's the point of putting so much focus on something bad? ...nothing.

Alhamdulillah.

for getting closer to my old mates. I’ve had big storm with some of my old mates and we're fixing it, we're getting better. And nothing can describe the feelings. After those tears for months, kept punishing myself for all of those, lack of confidence and all. Now we're getting better. I love us. You guys are good friends of mine, in past, present and future. No one compares. You all are good in your own ways, you complete my days. Thank you ;-)

for having such a great friends. Someone that rather be silent and listen and give analytical suggestion, yet have so much knowledge of life. Someone that is careless yet teach me how to put focus on certain things, and leave the others behind. Someone that gives me more knowledge about God. Someone that brings the life spirit for me just because she's been suffering some kind of nerve disease. Someone that gives me inspiration of future planning. Some people that are just being ordinary to complete my whole day. Thank you thank you thank you. Thanks God to let them fill the days of mine. Never had ordinary day!

For remembering me about the old days, when the air was about only happiness and friends and dreams and crushes and school daily and all. I am so thankful of it all.

For putting all the focus for the future I’ve been dreaming years ago. It’s been so great to work on it with all of my efforts. I’m so longing for the result. I wish God always be with me to bless me and bless my dream. God, I need Your help for this. Like... so much. Really. But I do believe in You, God ;-)

Sagan 2005, DOD, teladan 2011, nilapangkaja 31, F5, geng rangers, anak kantin belakang, IPA 3, 11 IPA 5, dan semuanya. Terimakasih. terimakasih, karna inget sama kalian aja udah bikin aku seneng, udah bikin lupa sama semuanya yang nggak enak. dan hallo calon gedung kuliah, terimakasih udah bikin mood bagus tiap abis lewatin kamu haha.

a song!

2010-08-28T15:05:00.006+07:00

went to a cute shop. the radio in that shop played a very sweet song. we screamed a little. we loved it since we first listened to it. we questioned each other what song it was, who was the singer. tried to figure it out. listened carefully on the lyrics. went home quickly. did google of the lyrics we had noted. then it found:
"you don't know me - regina spektor feat ben folds."
then it had been our favorite song for weeks.

yapss. fun high school year memory. gonna miss it soon.

bookworm

2010-08-28T13:55:00.004+07:00

i can say that i am a bookworm. my aunt gave me few books during my childhood. i was gently forced to read all the words over all billboards along the road. reading has been a habit for me, but never been a time-killer before i was on high school. first year of high school was rough enough that i couldn't escape anywhere but jumped in a thick book. i bought import readings so i'd find it difficult to understand that i put all the focus on it so i could forget all the bad things. studying was the same thing. basket ball was the same thing. they were only an escape. but i don't think there's anything wrong with that. i mean, who doesn't need an escape? world's busy enough, cruel enough, but humans never been that tough. well, those things do strengthen me:-)

"when someone says 'im okay', s/he never really mean it."

i don't know if it is true for everyone, but i'm not a hundred percent agree with this. for me, there will be 2 options; i'm really fine or i'm really not fine. but one thing, the question must be bothering me so much that i don't tell anything more but just a simple phrase.
when i'm not okay, "i'm okay" on my own dictionary means: you won't understand, so i better shut the mouth. telling you more means wasting things. and, i believe that i can pass that, i don't need any help. well, it's kind of optimistic, i thought. when someone says that one heavy thing carried by two or more people will be so much lighter, i'll say: what if it's some kind of liquid, that can be spilled by those people?

2010-08-24T08:25:00.001+07:00

Music has been my escape for years. Few songs really boost up my mood when some people simply can't. And here's my currently favorite songs:
Tahiti 80 - heartbeat
Train - hey soul sister
tiger baby - sweetheart
Motion city soundtrack - fell in love without you (accoustic vers.)
Zee avi - bitter heart
the trees and the wild - irish girl
Psapp - cosy in the rocket
Jason mraz - mr.curiosity
Mocca - i love you anyway
We the kings - secret valentine
Owl city - saltwater room
Minipop - like i do
Oasis - let there be love
Phoenix - 1901
Homogenic - kekal

And, have i mentioned that i lost my ipod? yes. I lost it. After i bought a very cute pocket for it. plus a cute new earphone. That was a huge lost, but.. I still have my cellphone anyway. Yet, airplane's sound, singing birds, swinging wind are still the best companion voices during my sunday afternoon.
Happy sunday everyone!;)

cheers!

2010-08-21T21:23:00.003+07:00

hello old days, i pretty much miss you.

ignore this

2010-08-18T20:15:00.000+07:00

I used to be a kind of person that tell about everything, believe in the magic of verbal, express all the feelings. But then i realize, it also can be the worst weakness, yet gives the best strength for my own. some people can't stand too many words, the others can't stand the facts and the rest only use its as their own befefits. When tearing down is the only escape, some people see it as a weakness of a cry baby. see me as i am, right now. I hate those pasts that remain. No one will understand. No one trough these all as i had. please, could you stop judging?
Now, later, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, you cant recognize me as the same. I always change. To be who i want to be. To be honest, i dont believe in most of peoples' opinions, im afraid that those are what evils had said to humans. i lost my faith on almost everything but God and dreams. Call me an egoistic but i just realized that most of people we trust the most will be the ones who'll break promises the most, too. Humans are weak, i let them in out, but im still standing with dreams ahead and God upon. I don't blame them who made mistakes to another humans, i mean, who didn't? I hate how human make a judgement based on a thing, i mean, life is all about complexity and what you see isn't about a thing, it's about so many things collide and have a result. Thats why God let that be His bussiness, human cant stand too many things on their head. See? humans are weak.
Some can't stand the others. Some say about the faults and fail things. Negativities are all spread over the world. Evils have a loud laugh. People have depression disorders. mental health deasases are to blame. one fault is caused by many people and many aspects. One thing cant fixed everything, one to blame cant make a betterment. If you're one this, lets fix the world. Together.

I am weak. I stop thinking about anything hurts. Im sorry but this is how i survive the world. i used to believe in the things that never exist in the real world. Such a pain in the ass, but life must go on. And this will be the way to trough it all. You shouldnt have your agreement or disagreement. Its all yours but i dont have any bussiness with that. I live my own life and you live yours.
I hear too many of your opinions. Im tired of thinking them all, when they are the opposites of the other opinions. But i still open my ears and my eyes for what God may bring to me. My heart's widely open for the miracles.

I miss bude yanti. Soon, i'll have a sertificate of enrollment in that university, of a faculty, and it's all for her. It's all for her. She deserved anything good in me.

Belajar ikhlas

2010-08-12T22:24:00.001+07:00

Sampai tahap ini kamu bisa ikhlas, karna apapun yg kamu lakuin nggak berpengaruh apa2 sama keadaan. Ini yang namanya takdir, yang gimanapun jeleknya pasti akan ada manfaatnya. Kadang pikiran nggak abis buat mikir jalan keluar, tapi hasilnya nol besar. Dan di saat itu kamu cuma bisa diem dan memperhatikan keadaan. Statis. Kamu nggak bisa ngapa2in, apalagi pergi.
Kamu cumaa nunggu kabut pergi sampe matahari dateng dan jalan terang lagi; saat itu kamu bisa jalan. Mungkin Tuhan emg ngasih kamu waktu diem, buat mikir semuanya. Mikir ulang tentang masa lalu dan masa depan yg ingin diraih; yang nggak tau gimana bisa bikin kamu lebih menghargai waktu yang kamu punya di depan mata dan orang2 yang ada dihadapanmu, yang selalu ada,menerima dan sayang kamu apa adanya.
Di saat itu kamu cuma bisa ikhlas. Sama semuanya. saat kamu kehilangan semuanya, kamu nggak akan takut atas apapun kecuali dengan Tuhan; toh itu kodrat manusia. Yang anehnya skrg kebanyakan manusia takut atas sesamanya dan benda-benda yang dibuatnya sendiri.
Tuhan itu Maha Besar, daya Nya atas dunia ini melebihi zat apa pun. Dan kepada siapa lagi kita harus pasrah terhadap segalanya selain pada Nya?

i had

2010-08-12T12:04:00.002+07:00

"Sometimes even though you're having a great time you can't help but think back & think about how much you miss the old times."

i had countless good times. but when i walked back on those memories, i cried. feeling bad of losing them all right now.

then i remembered this:

"when it stops happening in your life; when the things are starting to missing, it means the value of those things, those people, is already enough for you. the lessons already given, what they should do already done, what they should give already taken. it's done."

and finally i can't smile back upon those memories and say:

"it's nice for having you in memories.":)

lines

2010-08-10T06:08:00.002+07:00

"sesungguhnya diterimanya amal perbuatan tergantung pada niatnya dan sesungguhnya setiap orang akan mendapatkan apa yang ia niatkan ..... maka ia akan mendapati apa yang ia tuju"

"bila kamu tidak malu, lakukan sesukamu"

"ketahuilah bahwa didalam jasad itu ada segumpal daging, bila ia baik maka baik seluruh jasadnya, bila ia rusak maka rusak seluruh jasadnya. ketahuilah bahwa segumpal daging itu ialah hati"

"kebaikan itu adalah budi pekerti yang baik dan doisa itua dalahs egala sesuatu yang menggelisahkan perasaanmu dan yang engkau tidak suka bila dilihat orang lain"

study

2010-07-25T17:32:00.001+07:00

“[The public school system is] usually a twelve year sentence of mind control. Crushing creativity, smashing individualism, encouraging collectivism and compromise, destroying the exercise of intellectual inquiry, twisting it instead into meek subservience to authority.”

—	Walter Karp

parents; you make me proud!

2010-07-23T15:22:00.005+07:00

this senior year sucks up my time. it really does.... but it's kinda fun since i'm on the way to pick my dream up. so yeah, this is cool and i pretty much love it:)

and im gonna share few things of them that make me proud of them more and more.

i was on waiting room, with my daddy. only two of us.

"dad, what do you think about passion?"

"you gotta live with it. because nothing great can be achieved without passion. do you have passion in med school? if you don't, stop it or it'll be only wasted."

"you know i have it, the big one."

then big smile's curved on my face.

weeks later, i talked about university and college life with my mom. talked about some people then she suddenly asked me.

"what do you wanna be?"

"are you kidding me? i've told you for thousands times. i wanna be a doctor. a smart one. what are you talking about?" i unbelievably answered her. like i didn't know where she was heading with that thought.

"so it's not just because of me or dad, right? it's you, isn't it?"

"yes it's me, i want it sooo badly."

"good."

they are good. i'm so f-in proud of them:)

dream, you make me proud:)

2010-07-10T07:02:00.003+07:00

i'm trying my best to not judge, i know being judged is annoying. but still, i can hide that i have all my respect to the ones who have dreams and do works to chase them all. and i lost my respect for the ones who only follow what parents said, what anyone else reached, what world offered; but it's different if their dreams ARE to follow what parents said, what anyone else reached, what world offered, because that means they STILL have dreams and do work to get them all.

i tell you something, world nowadays is built by thoughts, ideas, spirit, dreams; or anything invisible, that we keep in our heart. your dreams define yourself. how you think world can be in your hand define yourself. how we believe on something that unbelievable is how we live nowadays. without dreams, we can't believe anything unbelievable. because the believable things are the things that already exist and the unbelievable ones are the things that CAN be exist, someday.

have a dream, have a faith on it, work your best. miracles do happen. and God never stop working.

happy birthday my very very good friends, aliban:)

2010-07-10T06:33:00.002+07:00

i know we're not that close anymore, but still, you're a good friend of mine.

happy birthday, it's your sweet seventeen!

make the best of it. you have all the power and knowledge you need to be anything you want. i know you can do anything you want. you're a good person. keep your spirit up!

i miss you:)

the rough days.

2010-06-28T06:17:00.007+07:00

“Listen. There are times when life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons. Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it’s cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don’t feel death coming.”

days days days. they passed fast. thought i was a sophomore but now i'm a senior. yes, officially a senior.

got a report book few days ago. it was...fine. i got upper rank than last semester but it wasn't that great. i still need to have hard work to make it go upper. i know i can. i'm gonna be a doctor and this is easy.

have some works about the last event of 2009/2010. pretty much hard work. physically working makes your body just about to crush. but this is a great event for my school, nothing's to be worried, then:p

i miss watching movies. in cinemas or in home. i miss seeing happiness from other's sight. i miss seeing the universe from a dramatic movie. i miss having an imagination based on a great movie. i miss biting lips upon those hot guys. gggghhh

“That’s what happens sometimes. Friendships are lost, altered, damaged. People change, or you simply finally appreciate who they have been all along… And so you realize they don’t have a space in your life anymore. Doesn’t matter how long it’s been, how deep it’s gone… It happens, it ends. You move on.”

i miss complaining and praising about some random stuffs.
i miss hanging out with my girls
i miss doing dvd marathon with some close friends
i miss singing and dancing along the music

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’”

being with my friends somehow is a therapy. i can be whoever i wanna be, i can do anything i wanna do, i show all the things i used to hide all day-night long. they are lovely. i miss being around them. i hate these rough days that make us separated. I MISS MY GIRLS. i miss having fun with them. i miss talking with them, that somehow straight the things up. I MISS THEM SO BAAAAAAAADDLLLLYYYYYY!!!!!!

i miss telling my story
i miss telling the truth

i miss hearing and telling about love stories. love, i'm starting to forget how does it feel bit by bit. i once had a strong passion in love-thingie, and it was the time when i was crushed really hard into the bones. days passed. another one. changing into another one.
but the feelings never grow stronger. i even forget how enthushiasm i feel about meeting, texting, chatting... i forget how i used to be super sad and cry all day night long when break up comes. i could say that love doesn't mean a thing anymore for me. sad. sad. sad. i am sad because i forget those great feelings. of being ups and downs because of that silly thing, love.

time walks. better ones come into my life. but the love never go stronger. as the time goes, as the people change, i'm going to be a failed lover.
and it sucks. i wanna be a great woman behind a great man! wish it will be true, someday.

now, i only have limited time to prepare the final exams and college enrollment next year. i only put my focus on it. i don't wanna distraction. finally i wanna thank God that i am no longer a love-sensitive person, that's gonna be troughing days by how love controls me. i am finally using my logic more than the feelings. thanks Allah:)

doctor doctor doctor. that's the only thing i should be thinking of for a year.
please God, make it true:)

“Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you’re wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart.”

and thank you radityadika, for the book: marmut merah jambu. that somehow remembering me how love feels like. thank you. so much

We have two eyes and just one tongue, which means we need to look twice and talk once. We have 2 ears and just one mouth, so we need to listen more than we talk. We have two hands and one stomach, so we need to work twice as much as we eat. We have two major brain parts, the left and the right, and one heart, so we can think twice but love only one. Isn't it amazing that our body parts remind us how to live right?

wishes and dreams, i want you to come ttrue soon:)

2010-06-21T14:44:00.004+07:00

i once wrote a wish outta here, and it turned the wish came true. and it's like a real magic, so i wanna have another writing about my wishes.

in 2010, i will be more diligent, smarter, can manage my time; in order to be better student and get better scores. i will be better person, can manage the swinging mood, can control my mouth and attitude and also control my anger. i will have many friends, they all are good people. i have less hatred. no body will talk about shits behind my back. all will be just fine and good and good and good.

in 2011, i'm just ready with tons of tests i'll have. i have good scores on them all, i have good rank. on UM-UGM, i do it successfully. i get into medicine faculty 2011. i'm really thank God of that blessing. my family's really happy. my parents will be proud of me. i inspire others, that dreams can be achieved with works and prays. my first dream is achieved. i pass my first semester on the medicine faculty. since the first time, it's real fun, even i need some changes, it is just fine and fun. i have so many good friends, they all are nice. they teach me many new things yet inspire me. the first semester is the big door of my brand new life. first step of my dream.

2015, i am graduated. second step of my dream will be achieved. i will be fully happy:)

2017, i am officially be a doctor. i am be engaged with a perfect guy. he may have flaws, but still, he melts me to the deepest part of my heart.

2018, i marry a perfect husband of the lifetime. i'm his perfect wife and he's my perfect husband, we are the perfect family.

2019, i finally pregnant!

2020, yes, i have a little cute baby:) and don't know how, but in 2020, i have visited some countries outta there:)

and stop there. anyone who sees this may freak out. i know, i look like a geeky to have such that list. but i'm just trying to figure out what's next. i just have some imaginations that i wish will be true. please, pray for me. let's say amen!:)

and God, i know the miracle is always in Your hand.

let's do this

2010-05-30T09:45:00.003+07:00

i have many plans in my head. time's too tight that i can't realize those plan in one moment. but i promise, i'm gonna make it all true. all the plans will be come true:)

more quotes

2010-05-28T17:24:00.007+07:00

"To this is when we finally learn the real meaning of change. you do the things you used to be against, you date the people you thought you never would, & you befriend the people you used to hate. you’ll learn what it’s like to have your heart broken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, & to feel as if everything is really falling apart. there will be times that your life seems so absolutely horrible it feels like it’s not real. despite all this, good things will come too. you’ll make the most amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn’t. your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you’ve ever met, & just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. there will be the days you are so happy, & the days that you feel like dying. drama happens, gossip goes around, & people talk shit. maybe this is just high school, maybe it’s life, or maybe this is just what growing up is."

so fucking damn true. i was on high and down level of tired in those dramas. after i feel like my life became more joyful, another drama came from the past. goossshhhhh this is why i keep reading any book; to escape from the shitty reality.

"One day you’re going to want that specific girl. That girl that knew she wasn’t perfect, but tried to be for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you and love you the only way she knew she could but you wouldn’t let her. That girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can’t bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty face and treasured parts of you that no one else appreciated. That girl who realizes she may never have your heart, but will carry the image of you in hers forever. And by the time you realize that’s the girl you’re looking for, she’ll be with the guy who already knew."

yeah. i once in a life time was being that girl. who was really in love with a guy. i finally moved on from him after a year struggling with my own feelings. once. in. a life. time.
sometimes i'm afraid that i can't be a good lover. untill i read this one. at first i laughed. i mean, that's really stupid and blind and all. but...i remember. i once was being that girl. and i'm thankful i was, because it proves that i can be a good lover:)

"You are replaceable. And it bothers you because I am not. You aren’t going to find another me. You can try, but those girls won’t compare. You need me. But I don’t need you. I don’t think I ever really did."

i know it bothers you that you came up with made up stories on networking social sites. poor you, pathetic!

"She’s finally accepted the changes, realizing nothing can be the same anymore. But she’s keeping her strength up; she’s willing to try her best to never look back."

"I’m a lover and a fighter. I get angry easily, but I’m working on it. I sleep and think too much, but I get my shit done. I have a weakness for sweet talkers, but I’m learning and enforcing my boundaries. I don’t let many people in, but once they’re in, they’re there forever. I’m strong and independent and I’ve been broken, but never shattered."that's me!

“ You do your thing and I do my thing. You are you and I am I. And, if, in the end, we end up together, it’s beautiful.
— Topanga, Boy Meets World

"If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.”

"Have you ever had to choose between two people? Especially when the one you choose is going to be the one you’ll be with, and the one you don’t just might not be the same anymore when you see them? The decision had to be made somehow, but you just don’t know what to do. One gets along with your friends, but you feel more comfortable around the other. One makes you smile and can talk about almost anything with them, but you realize that you simply just have much stronger feelings for the other. How many times have your friends told you to just follow your heart, yet they tell you who to pick anyways? No matter how hard you wanted to decide who to pick, you just couldn’t seem to make a choice. You eventually stress yourself out about this. there’s only one thing you can do though. You make them wait. Obviously right now you can’t determine who you have stronger feelings for, so why not make them wait and see who has stronger feelings for you? Whoever really truly believes they can be with you obviously likes you a lot and is willing to wait for you."

thanks, tumblr. now i know how to deal with that kind of problem:p

i know. i am very true to my blog.

life goes on

2010-05-23T13:50:00.005+07:00

things go change very quickly. it's like everytime i blink my eyes, there is a thing that had changed. i'm like on a fast train. all i'm doing is just stuck and see around. i wanna chase some things but i can't run that fast. i only do my own thing in my own corner. i was confuse at first.

but then i realize, this is waht we call growing up. changing. turning point. low and high spot. split out. gather. and....dramas. no wonder it's so fucking tiring. but it's a phase that i might miss the most, someday. so yeah, i'm trying to enjoy this shit. but still, it doesn't taste good for sure.

i wanna be appreciated by my friends. even my close friends don't really respect me. some of them still think that i'm a bad person, an always wrong person. PLEASE.... PLEASE... RESPECT ME!!!! please please i'm sick of this disrespect thingie. and what can i do? nothing. if i ask you to respect me, you probably won't listen and tell me that i'm an egoistic or something. I EVER DID TRY. but there was no conclusion, there was just more pain. EVERYONE PUT THE BLAME ON ME. like i NEVER do something right. yeah, i do some of the things with wrong way, but doesn't mean i never do things right. please.... please... i am a human... please...... i beg you guys to respect me as you respect the others.

now, i'm putting the pieces of me, that had been put away by some of people who hurt me the most. i'm gonna put ALL of the focus and effort for my own self. i mean, for those people who always judge me; MOST OF THE TIME I'VE SPENT IS FOR PLEASE PEOPLE SUROUND ME, but they just don't care. so yeah, i'm not gonna give a shit anymore. i live with my own way, i will be no fucking way bother you because i live in my life. i will not invite anyone else. i got hurt by too many judgements by many people. so i put them out. i wanna live in peace.......

i have some certain goals and i live for them. God, please bless me to get my dreams. i believe in You.
and for you, people. stop judging! you may know the person, but you never know what s/he's been trough, even you're a very very best friend to that person, YOU WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW. it does hurt anyway...

zoo zoo zoo!

2010-05-10T14:23:00.004+07:00

well, kebanyakan SMA negri di jogja libur karna sekolahnya dipake buat ujian remidi UAN. sekolahku libur juga sih, tapi nggak spenuhnya libur. jadi anak-anak kelas 11 dikasih field trip ke...........(guess where)....kebun binatang. nah mending ya kalo taman safari, ini nih kebun binatang gembira loka yang pengunjungnya biasanya anak tk! awalnya sih aku nggak begitu excited. yah, sebenernya belum pernah juga sih ke bonbin(kebon binatang), tapi denger kata orang-orang kalo bonbin itu jelek gk keurus dan bau udah bikin males duluan. aku sih pengennya ke kebun binatang kayak di luar luar negri gitu, atau at least taman safari lah yang kerenan dikit. tapi..yasudah lah. harus ikut atau dapet tugas yang lebih nyebelin.

dan aku jemput disa, nunggu sandy terus beli memory card buat kameraku. sampe sana langsung dimarah2in guru-guru karna telat banget. sorry pak, bu:p dan masuklah ke bonbin...

awalnya biasa aja...tapi lama lama... BAGUS KOK!! beneran. nggak bohong. baguss! tempatnya luas! mungkin kurang keurus, tapi dasarnya udah bagus. tapi yang paling memprihatinkan adalah.....hewan-hewannya terlalu kurus. sangat amat kurus. itu prihatin banget... kita bayar buat liat hewan-hewan tapi malah jadinya kasian banget gini....

nah, ini beberapa foto yang aku jepret disana. enjoyy:

kurus banget kan hewan ini. sumpah aku lupa nama hewannya apa hahaha

it's sooo pretty, isn't it?

this is my favorite. it looks like a painting:)

managing the bad days with positive thoughts:)

2010-05-06T01:04:00.005+07:00

I’ve been passing bad days. Really bad bad days lately. I was sad sad sad till I was tired of being sad. Till I forget how to be happy even for a whole day. I was tired of whining and moaning all the time about my life. I was so fucking tired of being so damn pathetic.

Until I found out a thing, that life can't be better than this. That life's only getting harder day by day. By getting old, we may get trough more rough days. So if I can't enjoy today, then I can't enjoy every tomorrow. I realize this by remembering and missing old days. The old days that I hadn't been thankful of. Now the past has gone and I have to do my best on present so I can get better future.

who says it's easy to have positive thoughts all the time? lying to your self, telling to every bad thoughts that it all will be just alright, when your heart doesn't even believe in it. your face tells to be optimistic but deep inside your heart you're so fucking pesimistic. hell yeah positive thinking is not easy, but negative thinking doesn't help you either.

The whole hell dramas I got in this high school years may be the memories I miss the most later, in my college years. So I do my best to make the best memory of it. Then, I will only feel good about the years back.

The fake friends. However, they are the friends of my rough high school years. No matter how fake they are, they still the only ones who keep me going in these disastrous years. It’s fair if they keep faking, 'cause I don't think I’m true enough to all of people. It’s fair. I mean it's normal to be as mean as fake as bitchy as you are, if you're on high school. Teenagers are that complicated, aren't they? So let it is. Let them be. Keep being good, and when they feel it's enough, they will be just end up all of these bullshit they've getting me trough.

The jerks. High school dudes are jerks. The good ones are only few of all the population in the school. Accept it; you have to face all of the craps and the jerky attitude toward your true feelings. I don't really care about the boys anymore since that day, that broke up stuffs. I mean, there are so many things to do, to be thought beside this lovey dovey thingie. I have crushes. Yes, many. Not to be a bitch, but I’m trying to keep my heart safe from hurt. I don't do serious flirt. I let everything happens. So I just keep doing my things and we'll see what's going next.

And what's hot right now is the school fights. Physically and mentally fighting. And I think...God.. It’s such a...joke! I mean, it's only 3 years of our whole life. Why should we spend our time with making enemies just because of the school we accidentally get into? Come on...we were friends in junior hi, and we'll be friends in college!!

I’m gonna do physics test hours later. I’m going to catch some materials. I’m not planning to sleep but we'll see:p

a break up

2010-04-14T10:31:00.004+07:00

After these months, I had a not-official relationship with the guy I loved the most, last night it had to be ended. I guess it was a stupid moment. I mean...I don't know. I feel like wanna cry.

So, there was me, with bad mood, ruined like almost everything. I don't know. A text that made him really mad. Then 2 texts later, he wanted to end up us. So I guess it was kinda stupid moment. Well, it might because the mad he got from the bad mood I shared, or because the pain and all the emotion he had kept for months. And if it was because the first one, I think it's stupid. I am, tired. I do, wanna give up. But I love him. I know, even it was a little tiny part of my heart; it still had a big love for him. So I tried my best to hold on, until I feel like wanna be dying. But no, that was the time he gave up, even he never did anything for us. He just gave up. He doesn’t love me anymore. So that's it. I’m gonna move on. I’ve got to move on.
I used to be the one who left him and back to him anytime I wanted, because he didn't say anything when I said I’m going to leave. He didn't do anything. He didn't fight for me. Even I always fought for us. It was really different from this. When I left, it doesn't mean I don't love him, I just tired of hold on to anything we've had. But now, he's the one who left me. He probably doesn't love me anymore that no more have any courage to hold on.

I’m pretty much disappointed with this. All I’ve done pays nothing in the end. I hate this. But well, God know the best. I know this is the best for both us. belajar ikhlas:)
so. Here I am. Trying to cover all the things. All the changes. Into something good. Good luck to me :)

my dream life:3

2010-04-10T20:52:00.003+07:00

i'm tired of sinking in this miserable stuffs. i am sad because of the ones who hate me. i am sad because i keep letting down people. i am sad because i can't be better yet, even i am working and trying to be, no one tells that i've been better. like there are so many reasons i'm sad, and yes, there are. but there are so many reasons to be happy too. that i've forgot for a while:)

i have a dream life. a rocking highschool, cool actvities, have some talk with some good friends on canteen, great marks, wonderful ranking, a good boyfie.

without drama? yes. without mistakes? yes. without haters? yes. without backstabber? yes. without sadness? absolutely yes yes yes.

well, but it's not life, then. i definetely know that. life must be fullfilled by ups and downs. but... i've got enough craps of downs. i know i still have capacity of it, but i'm tired. so fucking tired.... i need someone to hold on. a friend, a circle of friend, a bunch of friends.........a good boyfriend. anyone. anything. but there's nothing to hold on. i feel alone. i keep all of those stories all alone. i hope i'm not gonna explode someday..

A PROMISE TO STAY SMILING ANYTIME SADNESS SHOTS ME. yes. a promise. amin.
i am happy. i have a good life. God's great. alhamdulillah:):):)

hello april:)

2010-04-01T08:22:00.000+07:00

dear the lovely april, please be nice. please keep me healthy and happy. let go of those angers and hatreds. help me to be better and reach my goals. accompany me to do hard works. have fun with me and my friends. have a good mood, april!:)

and on march 30th, one of my good good friends, dissa, had her birthday. happy birthday baby. you know i love you since we've been friends last last year. since we told stories and secrets. since we had moan and whine talk in our homes. since we spent our night with chat. since we share our dreams and obsessions. since you're being really nice to me. told to be truth, i can't let go of you out of my life. dramatic, eh? but i don't wanna lose my good friends anymore...no more. well, happy birthday baby. have a good 16!:p

march was a total teacher, full of lesson. and in the early april, still, march gave a bit of its lesson, i cried for days...literally. but it's been better now. well. it's because i don't find any good reason to keep in the miserable mood. like, why should i? i still have a good life, many goals to be reached, many things to be achieved, so why should i cry for days? there's no reason.

and i try to understand more about people. i try my best to not show my feelings too much when it hurts people around. i wanna be good. i am good.

bye
nn

break heart

2010-03-28T11:26:00.003+07:00

dear the one who keeps sparkling upon the dark sky.

you. yes you. who always there, keep cheering me up, love me whoever i am. who gives me full stocks of happiness. calm me down when i'm on chaotic moments. the great person i've known.
sorry, i can't hold on more than this. i can't hold on every little tiny things we've ever had. you have such a huge pride and i keep my big ego. sorry for this, but..if you're not working on this, i'm quit too.

you thing you have to know:
knowing you let me go easily DOES REALLY HURT every inch of my heart. and you keep doing this.

you don't have any strength to just keep me? or this is your best power? because i know letting go isn't easy. and i've never been letting you go. never. ever.
but i know, there will be the time when we really have to be apart. sooner or later. i hate this fact. it hurts!

B, you're the best part of those love stories i've had. thank you.
God already has a plan for us:)

amazing day:)

2010-03-27T21:45:00.009+07:00

Today was just really amazing... the most amazing local-trip I’ve ever had.

I always love the area of UGM, in the middle of the town. So I went there with sandy and Ana to take some photos outta there. We started with grha sabha pramana. Took some photos of the sight. Stalked some soccer players and had some chit chat. Then had a walk. We walked and walked. Took and took some photos. 'till the battery was very low that we couldn't take ANY SINGLE photos. We were really upset!! It was only been an hour there! And we walked to gedung rektorat. Had some chit chat too. Imagined....about the college years we'd be trough. Fun time we'd have, still:p

then... i had a very.....good idea:p i had a place that i'd been wanted to visit. FOR REALLY LONG TIME. And.... YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT FEELING I HAD WHEN I CAME TROUGH THAT PLACE...

some kind of.... joy, happiness, nervous, heart-beat, I was really speechless, I almost cried. Drama queen oh... haha no. I’m honest with this. This was kinda feelings I had. Because, that wasn't only me that had that kind of feelings. When we parked our motorbikes, sandy felt that feelings too! She felt that way for the very first time.

This is about the whole-time dreams. About the answers of wonders. About the almost-reach-the dreams. when I came to that place, really, I felt like I was on another city. I hadn't had any imagination about this place. And this was kinda shocked me... so much. When I was heading to that area..... It was the area I had never imagined exist in Jogjakarta. I forgot about Jogjakarta. That was a really good place.... aaah. We stopped there to have some convo again. And the sky was AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL! But.... the camera was just off...damn it. We just missed it. I EVEN DIDN'T TAKE THAT MUCH PHOTOS of the place I’m gonna miss so much. I am so sad!!! Still...
then we walked to sandy's favorite area. The place that made sandy...speechless. At first she wasn’t sure wanna go there. I didn't know why. She just wasn't sure. But I knew the feelings of being on the place we love so much, so I pushed her instead. We walked there. And...Like me... she was unbelievably happy. We had so much...joy there!!!!!:):):):):)

I believe in the power of dreams. Not only dare to have a big dream, but have courage to chase the dreams over those stars :)

this is the rest pictures:d

life is really beautiful!

2010-03-26T15:45:00.005+07:00

so after those downs, now i'm back with the positive spirits. for this breakdown, i wanna thank God, sandy, mas mirwan, and the guys. i love you all!!!!!!!!!

well, everytime i have wonders on my mind, God always give me some clues and even some answers. the source will be anything, anyone around. once was the book i read, once was sandy i had chat with, etc. oh God, i love you. alhamdullillah i have You:)

remember when once my brother (mas miswan) said: which do you prefer? lose your present or your future? as a young girl, you should break your leg, do work hard, get anything you want. for your future.

then, this is it. i wanna break my leg to do anything to get all i want. now nothing's important anymore, those distractions never bother me, if i remember one thing: future. yes, i'm gonna put all my focus on it. pray for me:)

and those all the places i wanna visit before i die. well, those are just few of places i wanna visit. i'm gonna post more picture later. ciao!

here is, the low low low

2010-03-22T21:55:00.003+07:00

i had been on the highest top, now becoming a Fair, God put me to the low. well, i'm not gonna complain about this. i don't even call this a problem. i'm trying my best to have fun as much as i could in this kinda moment. and i do, have fun, but not as much as when i'm on the top. oh my god, i'm talking like i'm hiking the mountain......blah.

what's fun about this? when something brings you down, the rest would build you up. and yes many things build me up. my brother gave my daddy a new camera, nikon D80. that's pretty good, and the lens....so good! i just can't wait to have a photo session with...no one. so well, the people surround will be all the objects. i'm gonna have a city tour so i give the nikon good source of pictures woo hoo. then, i found my sketchbook back, and sirectly felt miss to have some sketchs. i HAVE to get at least one SKETCH this holiday. that's a promise!!!! and...plenty of books to read. remember i'm a geek-monster? i'm gonna eat those books up, awww must be really yumm-oooo. i'm so on fire!!!!:)

and life. couldn't be seen only from one perspection.
"no one's really bad, he's good but he just makes friend with evil. make friend with the person, not the evil."--daddy.
i'm trying to not judge of everything i've seen, my eyes might wrong. all i can do is just do my best to bring the best out of everything so i can turn the moment into the best of it. mmm, it's all gonna happen only once, so yes, i've a promnise to make it's the best. or at least, fun though:p

i hate my self for letting down most of people i love the most. AND NOW, I'VE LOST LIKE MOST OF MY FUN SOURCE. for those haters, be happy for those miserable things i've got. i know, i made mistakes that made you upset, so yes, you deserve my bad days too. fuck this. feeling like have no one to ..... to be with. to cheer me up. no no, i shouldn't be dependent on anyone. my happiness depends on my self. good luck lies on my hands.

untill i remember this guy. the one who'll love me whoever i am. the old me the new me the worse me the better me. he never hate me or even dislike me for who i am. thanks dude!

this family guy makes me get closer with my family, however. remember how nice he treats his mom makes me wanna treat my mom even way much better. and when i was tired to keep complaining about life to this guy, i tried to tell one by one my latest issues to my mommie. well, what she had said might not magical, but i just knew, she's my mom, who'll be there when everyone goes away.

well, this is life. God already said that sometimes people are on the top, sometimes people are on the down. but they both are just to examine the people after all. yes. i've been examining all the time, and i'm not sure with the previous examination when i was on the top, but i'm gonna have a good mark when i'm on the low. God, i love you. and this is the only thing i can give to you. a good mark on your examination. i promise i'm gonna pass this holy-shit world really well.

i have to keep going. rain may come, sun may shine. and however it is, the most important is, i'll never stop, with a big smile curves on my face:)

designing the future

2010-03-19T12:41:00.003+07:00

now i'm dying at home. lying on the bed, feeling bad because of this stomachache. i had this stomachcahe since yesterday when i was fasting. and it's getting worse-___- i've skipped many fridays then i forget how friday in school looks like. ha. to be frank, i'd rather be in school than just in bedroom all day-night long like this.

yes. i only can lying on the bed and doing nothing. and that makes my brain works even harder. i was just thinking about almost everything surounding. it actually stressed me out.

untill i'm thinking about the future...which makes me only smiling....all the time.

be a doctor, get scholarship in UK or US, and have a great family and cute kiddos. mmm. God, help me with these dreams..:)

self

2010-03-15T23:46:00.003+07:00

now i hate the quote: be your self.
it makes me think over those changes.

if i be my self, people will get hurt, i'll annoy many people, i may get kicked outta this hell life. so yeah, as we grow up, we're gona find that most of quotes are the opposite of others. and if it happens, it's time to make our own quote of life.

don't depend your happiness on other people. your happiness lies on your hand.

xxo
nn

2010-03-15T01:05:00.002+07:00

gue nggak ngerti. kapan gue harus move on and let go of everything. kapan gue harus hold on to every little tiny pieces. kapan?????? perlu move on nggak gue skrg? jawab!

for all the craps and bullshits about let go

2010-03-14T23:53:00.002+07:00

i let go of you, because it is the best for you.

it's only a beautiful crap. such a bullshit. the biggest bullshit ever.
if you really do love me. STAY!! i need you. i need a supporter trough those bad days. i need a party partner trough those good days. YOU DESERVE ME if you think you think you do. or at least YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE ME. but you didn't.

i hate this line. i hate your craps. i hate it. i've been moving on. and i still can't let go of you. when you still keep your mouth full of the let go bullshits. can you just simply say you don't love me anymore. so i can walk away. in peace.

i hate you. i hate you and your ego. most of all, i hate your heart. LET ME GO IF YOU WANT ME TO GO. you never let me go. you keep me with those bullshits. i hate you............ i hate you. i won't let this tears down. not anymore.

still. you keep pieces of me. i can't be complete anyomore. if you let me go, just go.. because the fact is.... you don't go. you stay but never try to look at me. while all i'm doing is going away but keep looking at you. we are not right.

you deserve me as well. i don't deserve you.
well, i wanted you so whatever it is; i deserved or no, i'd do almost everything to get you. and now all i want is only to be wanted... to be your only wish on your every prays. to be your dream in every night. to be the star in the dark night. or simply be your lighter for your every cigarettes:p

you do love me or no? as simple as that. if you do, please please please, let me know. feel like don't deserve me when you actually do? do some things to feel like really deserve. aaah i want you.
but if you don't, please, let me go. you never let your shadow go, if i could say. please....

ups and downs

2010-03-14T22:15:00.002+07:00

bismillah....

ini adalah serangkaian hari terberat, terhebat, dan salah satu titik balikku. bulan lalu, aku cuma ngerasa seneeeng aja. sebagian mungkin karna sugesti positifku tiap pagi, dan juga mungkin emang udah jalannya aku seneng. dan bulan ini, aku mulai ngerasa unstable. dari awal, rasa kepercayaan diriku hampir hilang, aku mulai ngerasa bahwa aku nggak pantes temenan sama hampir seluruh temen deketku. dan setelah itu semua, ada masalah yang bikin aku ngerasa: ok, stop, stop. just stop being me. i have to change. to be the better me.

selama ini, aku baru sadar. bahwa di tiap masalah yang dateng aku selalu ngehindar. nyalahin keadaan. padahal yang Tuhan mau, agar aku sadar sama kesahalanku. Tuhan pengen aku berubah untuk jadi lebih baik. dan buat sekarang, aku mau bener-bener berubah. aku pengen nggak cuma sekedar berhenti di omongan, tulisan, atau bahkan hanya stuck di pikiran. aku pengen merealisasikannya. mungkin sama sekali enggak gampang, atau mungkin malah segampang bernafas; aku nggak pernah bener-bener nyoba. tapi yang jelas, aku harus coba. dan aku harus bisa.

aku kasian sama orang-orang disekitarku. mereka banyak dapet masalah karna ulahku. wow, lebay. hahaha. tapi kasian aja. pada emosi gitu liat aku. padahal niatku satu: nyenengin orang orang disekitarku. well, rini bilang: satu hal, kamu nggak bisa ngerubah orang lain. yang kamu bisa lakuin itu ngerubah dirimu sendiri dan keadaan akan berubah dengan sendirinya. ya, aku baru sadar, selama ini aku berusaha merubah keadaan orang lain. aku berusaha ikut campur di hampir semua urusan yang bisa aku campuri. kadang, it works. tapi lebih seringnya itu malah ngganggu si yang punya masalah. i ruined like almost everything....
dan mungkin, aku selama ini ngurusin urusan orang lain, karna aku males ngurusin urusanku sendiri. kind of more fun, karna di masalah orang lain kita nggak ada keterlibatan secara emosional 100%, paling cuma bantu mikir dan aksi. hahaha. stupid yet so fool.

tapi aku nggak mau kayak gini terus. sekarang aku udah sadar. kita punya dunia masing masing. urusi urusanmu sendiri. kalo diminta ya baru turun tangan. nggak diminta komentar ya nggak usah. nggak diminta jadi penengah ya nggak usah. kita punya porsi masing masing. hargai orang lain.

bismillah.

jujur, aku nggak 100% yakin aku bisa. tapi aku 100% yakin aku mau usaha. semoga usaha ini nggak sia sia. semoga aku tau caranya berusaha. aku tau, aku punya temen-temen yang masih mau ndukung aku. walaupun gara gara sifat jelekku ini aku kehilangan 4 sekaligus sahabat sahabat terbaikku.

sbeenrnya, aku kangen kalian semua. aliban, cici, mita, manda. you are and always be great. maaf. maaf. maaf. i love you guys. aku udah terlanjur malu, untuk sekedar berusaha deket sama kalian lagi. aku nggak pernah ngerasa pantes buat kalian. apalagi sekarang. aku udah nggak punya muka. tapi asal kalian tau, nggak ada yang bakal nggantiin posisi kalian buat aku. you guys rock!!

tapi alhamdulillah. selama ini, ada beberapa orang yang masih mau ndukung aku. disa, sandy, ana, ririe, hanif, rini, isti, gusta, reza, dan banyak lagi yang ada, selalu ada, buat ndukung aku, atas apa pun yang aku lakuin. terimakasih semua:):)

this is my turning point. i have to change. to be the better me. amin amin amin.

Essay project (50%)

2010-03-10T21:29:00.001+07:00

Everybody needs sleep. Naturally, people need 7-9 hours of sleeping. Sleeping is about give our body some rest, after we have whole day working. But people nowadays are too busy to just have some hours of sleeping. Some of you still working or just doing anything on the midnight. They may don't want to lose some hours to finish what they want to do, but you don't realize that it's not good for you , mentally or physically.

When people sleep less than 7 hours, it means they let their bodies work more than it used to be yet losing the rest time. Feeling sleepy is a signal when your body needs to rest, so it's normal to be sleepy. And when you had slept but still sleepy, it might either your body still needs to rest or your sleep quality is not good. It doesn't mean you should sleep more, but you should make your quality of sleeping better. Because, if you still sleepy on the morning, you will not work properly as if you're fresh. For an example, your bones still feel tired, so they can't do anything Your body could be weak too, because you're not passionate to pass the day. Lack of sleep means your body hasn't had a good rest too. It makes your body doesn't work really well, your body can't work maximally. The result of what you've done is not as good as when your body works maximally.

Not only physically damaged, but also mentally. Your body doesn't work well, and it could stress you out. It makes a lot of problems and it pisses you off. When you only had slept for only few hours, you probably would feel so sleepy that you can't do anything as it used to be. You can't stay focus on what you do, you lose your mind into your bed. Moreover, you can get angry easily, you get angry of the things you shouldn't be angry about. In the end of the day, after those angers, you may feel so tired yet stress. Feeling sleepy can also make your mood turn upside and down easily, well, it obviously annoys people surround. How could people stand your moody mood?

march; life is only state of mind:)

2010-03-01T20:27:00.000+07:00

yes. life is only state of mind. i've learned that from a book; the secret. i was the one who likes to keep those negative thoughts. but then, after i read that book, i try my best to have positive thoughts all the time. even it was the worst moment, even it was like nothing'd change; i keep thinking positive. and it worked! as much as i had thought i'd be:)

i am as good as i want to be. yes. i am. it's been years i have a list about what's bad and what's good about me. what's soon-to-be-fixed, what has-been-good-in-me. it's a great list that brings me to this "me". that list's so amazing! it changes me, somehow. it gives me a real direction; which way to go. i was really really annoying. but i'm getting better. i know, someday i'm gonna be totally a good person:)

life's good if you think that life's good. today's great if you think that today's great. tomorrow'll be full of shits if you think that tomorrow'll be full of shits. everything is all about the state of mind.

"you can if you think you can"

so yes. feed your mind with positive thoughts, with positive people all around you. good luck with your march, hope i have a great march, too:)

see you!
nn

dream

2010-02-25T21:45:00.001+07:00

among all of the dreams i've ever had, this is the biggest and clearest one, that:

i want to be a doctor!

clear enough, right?:)

happy valentine's day:)

2010-02-14T09:48:00.000+07:00

so, it's valentine's day already. nothing's up. i just went to school met some friends and share some chocolates. they loved it ad it made my day:)

so, happy valentine's day everyone!
valentine's day doesn't mean you should spend your day with the guy you love the most, bunch of flowers, boxes of chocolate, a teddy-bear or something like that. simply be thankful of the love you've been gotten, from anyone around. be thankful today, because you might haven't been thankful of them and their loves the days before. celebrate it with the love you have and promise a thing: that you will enjoy the whole life with full of love from the ones around you, and be thankful of anything you've got:)

happy valentine's day!

The chargers!

2010-02-06T07:40:00.000+07:00

Leaving a good person was a bad idea, but i thought it'd be good for me; yes, it is. But it was very depressing when i kept thinking: is this right? Will i regret? And so on. But then i realized something: doubt is only before i make decission. When i've made it, clearly, i only have to deal with it. So then, i kept walking trough the new days. One thing i believe is, future offers the whole better things than past ever had. And yeah, i am enjoying the days since that.

I have great days. Great chargers; the supply energy when i lose mine. There are some good friends and cute juniors. With music on i just feel like...life is good:-)

another failure

2010-01-29T20:42:00.000+07:00

This is another relationship failure. Is that wrong if I keep my faith, if I have an unbroken able thought about a thing? Is this my fault? Am I wrong? I am fifteen; I believe that I am free to do anything the best to me. And I thought, it is the best for me. It’s not good for both us, I let him deep down. But, I’m no longer believed in this. I’m no longer wanting this.
But it hurts him. But…. Ah. The feeling has gone, the faith in him has gone, and the acceptance has gone. And I don’t know why. Is that wrongggggggg?? I don’t wanna be like this. But… God gives this. I …. I don’t know what else to do.

Nothing happens without a reason.

So. This may have an unseen reason. Future would show me the reason, somehow.
I just believe in what God gives me. And now, God gives me this. And ok, it’s ok. I’m fine

Simplified feelings:)

2010-01-27T22:34:00.001+07:00

Being strong doesn't mean I want to be someone weak. It just means I want anyone stronger but would let me be weak for a while

Being single is such a heaven. Free, with unlimited imagination, big dream lies upon my head. But it also means there'll be no surprise, no sparkle of love, and no joy from another person, no one special. But what if, I'm hooking up, but don't feel such that kind of feelings?! No joy, no surprise, no lips-biting, and so on. It sucks.

He's kind nice and whatever, but he can't make me feel comfortable. Simply like that. (Thanks for my friend who simplified this to me!:P) I feel like no longer want to be with him.

He doesn't even believe in dream! The dream!! When the fact is, I am day-dreaming…EVERYDAY!! That's so…. Euw. He makes me can't dream. He makes me face this shitty reality. He loses all my inspiration. I just can't be positive thinking. So this is it, I feel like it's no good for me no moreeeee. Please God. Let me be the old-me.

My life was better than this!!!!!!:((((( I miss the one who makes me got so much inspiration. Doesn't mean I have crush on him, again. But, it was just real fun!! Mmmmmmm. I miss the stories I made just because of him:p

Please, pray for me. Pray for my new beginning. The new beginning…..

Thank youJ

holiday!!!

2010-01-11T14:24:00.003+07:00

jadi liburan ini bosen banget jujur. eh engga sih, i mean kalo orang liat pasti ngebosenin. tapi aku suka sebenernya. stay dirumah nonton tv makan tidur bantuin beres-beres rumah. terus sekali2 main kerumah temen, makan bareng, froyo-an, dll. terus, dia akhir liburan kita ikut peneliatian di pangandaran. namanya sih penelitian, tapi buktinya kita kesana juga cm buat maen liburan hahaha. aku sih cuma snorkling doang,yang lainnya sampe pada naik hutan buat ke waterfall, atau banana boat. gara-gara banyak macem rombongan, jadi kadang aku ke tempat yang sama dengan orang-orang yang beda. nemenin snorkling aja berkali kali, di pantai timur barat pindah2 ke tengah2, hahaha sampe malemnya berasa pusing kayak masih di kapal:o terus malem pertamanya disana nggak tidur blas!! nggak bisa deeehh.... baru malem-malem selanjutnya tidur di kamarnya temen, abis kamarku anarki sih malesin parah jeleknya-.- serunya, kita bisa maen ngobrol nggosip sampe maleeeeeeeemmmmmm banget. curhat ngalor ngidul, ngeliatin anak-anak mbojo juga hahahaha.
spesial? yap karna aku bisa maen sama temen-temen seangkatan lengkap hahaha. tp kurang ngeh soalnya aku nggak bener-bener ngerasain maen disana. udah ah capek ini dapet tambahan libur sehari, besok udah masuk fufufuufufufu.
goodluck for me!:)
nn

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! finally 2010:)

2010-01-01T13:36:00.002+07:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!
it's already 2010 woo hoo. what's better than this? new year. new trends. new stuffs. new semester. everything will be new and.....HAVE TO be better:p

my new year eve was only about watching spiderman 3 in home with my sister and parents. that's fun though, really. could laugh a lot because of the movie and talked about anything. yummmm<3

"remember, there are no mistakes, only lessons. love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible"

please God, help me to let go everything, to just accept the life unconditionally....please... i could die of my regrets...

yeah. this is the first day of the new year, so I SHOULD BE EXCITED HAPPY AND ALL. so, here i am, trying my best to be it all. hey, i have a new haircut anyway. medium length bob hair cut. yay mee, it's cute even though it thought it was too short, but there'll be wasting time if i keep complaining and regretting, right? so, stop here. i am pleased with all the things:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
nn
xxo ♥

one day left...:)

2009-12-30T22:03:00.005+07:00

Yeah, its one day left 'till we get the New Year. Whoa... many things happen in the last minute, for sure.

About this guy. To be frank, I like him, so much. When I read back my old post, last year, about my criteria about a dream-guy, he accidentally fills it all. And I just like... whoa. That’s cool:p but I’m not the girl who can texting every second and blablabla doing the couple thingies and blablabla and lalala. No, I’m not that kind of girl. I believe in wasting time when you're young, not only just sticking to a nice guy. I mean I want to do something, or simply many things. I have some dreams to be caught, some goals to be done, some visions to be realized. my time now is only about it all. so yeah, nice guy, i am really thankful of having him but, he's not in my priority now. so i will not do anything about this. i'm letting him go, if he wanna be someone's something. but i never drive him out if he just wanna stay here. But what i'm gonna do, is living my life with the way i've planned, just to make sure that all of my goals would be fulfilled.
But I don't lie, every time he calls, I can't stop smiling...:p

I’m still thinking about tomorrow, got some parties, and now just chose which one. Or...just stay at home and watch Spiderman 3 with parents and some great foods?? Mm still thinking;-)

countdown to the new year!!

2009-12-29T21:46:00.002+07:00

Let’s countdown to the new year....
What’s New Year, actually? Mom and dad just told me that New Year is just only an ordinary date of ordinary month that accidentally changes the number of year. So when I asked them about celebrating New Year, they just answered: “what to celebrate? Nothing happens. Everything’s still the same, kiddo.”

Ok, for them, nothing happens. But I do, I do wish, I do hope MANYTHING will happen in the brand new year. I do hope, wish, wait something happens in 2010. Anything better than last year. Someone told me: if today is worse than yesterday, what you’ve done is such a loss, then. Yes. I want ANYTHING better this year. I’ve got some projects to do, yes, hope it gonna give me some great effort.

So, how are you guys? What are you doing? I’m doing fine with laptop, pc, books, pens and all. I only stay home, but I do so many things. Most of them are about helping mom. Cook, clean the house, wash dishes, etc. but it’s really good. I get the great bond of me and mom back. It had a little broken when I was too busy with my school life, and the worse, I kept busying myself with those hang out schedules. So yes, I really excited this holiday to stay at home. And…..feeling home:)

I love 500 days of summer. I feel like the summer. I don’t believe in relationship. And I do hope I’d be ending like summer that married with someone she was sure with… I still... you know…clueless about that thing. Soulmate and all. I’m still 15!!!! But well…it’s normal when I keep wishing get the great thing about my whole life right?? Including about the soulmate thingies….:p

Have a nice day, guys!!
nn

another mellow-dramatic december

2009-12-27T19:18:00.004+07:00

"Love what you got. People change and things go wrong, but always remember life goes on. Have a wonderful holiday, make the most of it" - paris hilton.

yeah. i've been struggling a lot this year. so many things have changed. so many mistakes i've done. and also many things i've learned. but don't forget the countless awesomeness during this year, also the great numbers of people that give me positive spirits. i just love this year, so much. nothing to regret!!

yeah, december.. i love december. i love january, july and december. mmm it starts to make me a bit sensitive...to flash back ALL of what happened during this year. to get back the feelings of sadness, happiness, anger, and all. to get back the memories, the great and bad ones. aaahh it could be tearing me just now.

the remarkable one is the momment when i finally moved on. i had been struggling, working out to just move on from the one who was keeping let me down. last december i just wrote down that i had to move on. but i finally could on like the end of this year. it's a long journey;) and the biggest memory ever..is when my best friends, the four best friends, left me. they were upset, some of them show it in their status updates, but we worked out to fix it up, to make it better, and yeah, now we're better. no longer the great fab' five clique, but still close friends--if i can say so. but it influenced me a lot. in both bad and good ways. at first month i usually cried a lot, felt alone, didn't have friends, and the worst was feeling not worthy. but in good way, i finally could see that i still have the ones who keep my back when i was about to down. yeah, they are great. love em, all!:)

i have a project. special project. with few ones. hope it's gonna be successfull. pray for me!!! and do you have a new year resolution? because i already had!!!:D:D

have a nice weekend,
nn

almost new year;-)

2009-12-26T11:08:00.002+07:00

Hello people! How are you?:)
Yeah, I’ve got the report book. I’ve got 20th rank. When people around freak out about their rank, obviously upper rank than me, I just keep smiling, relax. I’m pretty pleased with this. I mean, what's wrong with those rank? We did all the best. Rank is only a combination of numbers. What’s matter, then? But whatever. I just really proud of my parents, that don't see by the numbers of rank, but the works I’ve done. And anyway I got pretty good grades on my report book; chemistry for like 80, physics 83, math 75 (<- soon-to-be fixed!!), and guess what...biology.... 90!!! NINETY!!!! That proves something... I’m not a dumb-ass:p

But hey, I just read some articles about top 100 universities. And know what? Mostly they are in America or Europe. Luckily, Tokyo, Hong Kong, and Singapore have their universities on the list; yeah, viva la Asia!:p but just take a second to think about it all over. Indonesians are given like 14 subjects on junior high, 17 subjects on 10th grade, and back to 14 subjects on 11th grade and like 10 subjects on 12th grade while the Americans and Europeans only get like 6-8 subjects each grade. Indonesians SHOULD have been smarter than any other, because we are thought more subjects, which simply make us get more knowledge than other. But why...why our university only got in TOP 300???! Maybe because our country is a developing country, bad economic condition and all. But as student, I also feel the pressure about the heavy 14 subjects. So little time we have to learn it all, so many things we have to learn, understand and memorize. It’s also depressing when it turns to the combination of numbers called grades; if it's bad the parents would be really upset. We are trained to get know everything we "need" to; not to let us know what do we really want to know about. And in the end, we may have no idea; for what we learned

Then, we are forced to get good grades that makes most of all do cheat. I don't because simply my parents not let me to do it, and they do believe in process and the result is only collaboration of process, luck and God's hand. So yeah, they are great ;-)

But it's just not right to blame on the condition. All we can do is only do the best we can. Get know what we want to be, work hard for it, be honest, and don't forget, to have fun!!!

holla back!:)

2009-12-22T12:15:00.003+07:00

it's been an unofficial holiday, because in school we're doing nothing, but....this is just not a holiday, not yet. so, here i am, typing some words after a week went out till night with my whole friends. went to cinema for like twice or three times, went to taste some food, made handmade craft for gift, had blasted day over friend's homes, and all. but seems like mommy just misses me, so i stayed home. she's kinda upset because i just like never at home before 8. and here i am, trying to please mom in mommy day. yeah. love you mom, thank's for gave me birth, i love you now and forever:)

so, the one that i love so much had bring me down. he said it was all beacuse of me, but...... i just didn't know that it hurt him that bad. hell yea, so here we are. act weird. like nothing happens. but we both now, we hurt each other. seems like he already had a new little girl. so, well yeah, wish me just well during these week.

yeah, i just had a hard week, last week was just a total shit. crap. whatever. but it's all over and i'm glad. really. now i can see the sun shines trough all my day. yeah, hope this is gonna be a great week. seems like this weekend i'm gonna get the report book, mmmm WISH ME LUCK WITH THIS!!!!! please.... ♥♥

enough for now, gotta do anything else.
bye people, have a nice day!!!!
nn

hello the almost-holiday;)

2009-12-13T21:12:00.002+07:00

so, these months i don't have much time to update this blog. frankly, i've been busy with school stuffs and extracurricular events. well, that was pretty tiring, but it all almost done, and the work is getting decrease but need more responsibility. great!

and i just had done my exams week. i studied hard for it all and i didn't cheat during the exams. i hope for the best but prepare for the worst. i wish i have great rank, but if i can't get that, noprobs, still have lots of time to fix it up. plus, i spent my time hang out with friends, go to many cool places during school day; i mean i didn't study hard everyday, all day night long, so it's normal if i can't get the great rank or something. well, the important thing is, i'm on progress. so, just wait for the better, even the best result!

and, as you know, now i'm sooooooo in love with a guy. great caring kind guy. and i just gave him a little thing, my work, my sketch, my draw. he looks pretty excited and surprised and... happy?;p well, that's the reward of a big step he had done for a week. good luck for another week, boy:D

and now im back to my old almost-holiday and almost-new-year activity; PLAY WITH ART. exciteddddd

happy idul adha!

2009-11-26T19:58:00.002+07:00

happy idul adha everybody!!:) thought it's still tomorrow, but there's nothing wrong with having the spirit just now, aight?

so, when all of the people cheer up about the new moon, i'm still here, haven't watch that movie. it's kinda suck and i promise, I WILL WATCH IT SOON. ha ha ha.

but now, i find that 24 hours....never been enough. too many plans to do....too little time i have. hhhhhh:|

so, have a good night, people!
see me at my twitter page.
nina

A love letter

2009-11-21T04:20:00.001+07:00

For the one who keeps sparkling in the dark galaxy; p.s: i love you.

Never thought you'd mean to me this much. You were the kind of guy i hated the most, but as much as karma i got, i'm so in love with you now. You...i just cant find another you, the better you, or anyone else; you just only you, and i hope you are...only for me.

Sorry, for being such an annoying. It's like me, waiting for the bomb to explode; waiting for another heartbreak. And i'm 100% sure, it'll be the major heartbreak. I'm already freaking out about that. Dont leave me!

You came to me when i was settling my self to be an indipendent with lots of visions of the days i may trough. Now...its all gone. When im starting to think about the visions, it'll be all about you. Take the responbility boy, for makin my life never about just me anymore; just take care of me.

Thank you, to make my life as lovely as the rainbow, it's even better than the colorful days:}

p.s: i love you
p.s.s: never told you that i'm dying to meet you whenever we dont meet each other.
P.s.s.s: and i scare to death that you'll leave me soon. Just don't do that, i beg you please....don't..

it's been a while

2009-11-18T20:32:00.001+07:00

So here I am, writing few words; sharing some new things.
Like what I’ve posted few days ago, I’ve…..found someone that really really nice. I don’t know how will we be going for the next days , but now I’m fine having him as my friend. Well, do you guys follow my blog since months ago? If you do, you’ll know that I have a problem with moving on. Now, I’m getting used to my new life. I forget about moving on thingie until someone tweeted about that on twitter.
actually, in my deepest heart, I still…don’t wanna move on. Get far away for few months, then I remember and miss him, then I send some texts, and we’ll be ok. But now, everything is just going easier. The last time I got in touch with him, He acted TOTALLY JERK, fuckin asshole. So…..it’s way much easier to just delete all the memories with a bastard, right? I’m 90% moving on. Still in progress guys! Because, know what? I had….such a colorful days with him. Once I got black day, blue day, pink day, yellow day………and I got so much inspires because of him. Rrrrghh stop it. I feel guilty to just remember the good things being with a jerk like him. Rrrr
and I just found out that school is just…rough. The miss-understood-materials are always added. Each day, we get new things to learn. Once we lost on it, we will hardly find way out because we have to do double action: follow the recent materials and catch up the old ones. Once we taught about a thing, we have to get it--really understand the subject, in the same time, or we’ll lose and have to chase…like … chase a train? It’s not including the other activities after school time. Not including the social-things. Hmmmm…..
and I just got 4 days off, because of….you know, family stuff. So yeah, I’ll flight to Jakarta tomorrow, and….FEEL THE FREE AIR, without the screwed-school-things. I’m really excited about that. Just pray for me, for the whole things!:)

nn

sedih.

2009-11-04T19:36:00.006+07:00

aku pernah nanya ke salah satu temenku: " kalo kalian saling suka, kenapa sih kalian nggak jadian aja? kenapa malah saling ngelupain gini? bukanya ini namanya nyaikitin diri sendiri ya?"
dan temenku ngasih banyak kata-kata untuk menjelaskan, tapi aku tetep engga ngerti.

aku masih bertanya-tanya terus. aku suka banget liat mereka jadian, tapi kenapa mereka sekarang kayak gini, berusaha ngelupain masing-masing, yang buntut-buntutnya nyakitin diri masing masing.

sampe mungkin Yang di Atas gemes, dan ngasih aku satu contoh nyata. banget.

aku dikasih tau, seseorang yang baik banget. pengertian. dan semuanya. semuanya yang aku pernah pengen. tapi, nggak ada manusia yang sempurna kan? dia juga punya kekurangan, yang mungkin bikin dia ngerasa.... nggak pantes buat aku. tapi bukan itu yang aku permasalahin.

aku takut aku yang ngecewain dia. aku takut nggak bisa ngadepin dia. aku takut aku sampai pada titik untuk pengen dia jadi lebih baik. pengen dia jadi kea apa yang aku pengen. takut sama pandangan temen-temennya ke aku. aku risih karna temen-temennya tau banyak tentang aku dan padaha aku nggak tau apa yg ada di otak mereka tentang aku. aku takut cuma jadi pelengkap dan hiasan dia dan temen-temennya. aku takut cuma bakal jadi mainan baru buat dia. aku takut sama orang yang ngatain aku gampangan.takut kalau aku bakal bikin hidupnya lebih nyebelin dari sekarang.
dan diatas semua itu, aku takut, dia bakal benci sama aku. aku takut dia bakal sadar, kalo aku itu worthless, sama kea beberapa orang yang lain. sadar kalo selama ini sama aku cm ngabis-ngabisin waktu. sadar, kalo dia jauh lebih baik daripada aku.

p.s: aku percaya sama takdir.
p.s.s: dia bohong sama aku. hahaha
p.s.s.s: aku nggak mau kita musuhan.

problems strengthen me up=]

2009-10-31T21:42:00.002+07:00

i've got so many problems this months. from family to best friends, from schoolmates to certain boys.....
but one thing i know, they all strengthen me up.

now i'm on mid-test week, pray for me, buddies!! i work hard for it, really hard:B i hope the sleepless nights won't be worthless:)

be thankful

2009-10-11T11:27:00.002+07:00

there are few things you should be thankful on. first, be thankful of your God. second, be thankful of your family. third, be thankful of your friends. fourth, be thankful of who you are. fifth, be thankful of what you have. and the last, be thankful of what happened.

be thankful of your God. it's such a great thing to believe in one God like Him. we have ONE thing to believe in, one thing to strengthen up us, in every condition. one thing to keep us believe in wonderful world. one thing to make us optimistic after a total big storm. God is everything. and alhamdulillah i am a Muslim.

be thankful of your family. this is place where we come from. they love us unconditionally. they support us however it is. they believe in us. they let us grow but keep take care of us. they educate us, with every way. they show us the real love that nobody has showed yet. they are sincerely give an affection, just to make us comfortable with life. there's no better place but home.

be thankful of your friends. they are nice people that understand you and will do anything for your happiness. what's better than that? they're there when you're upset, they're there when you need splash of fun. they don't judge of whatever you do, they only support. they love you, they protect you. they will never make you sad, or feeling down. they make you believe in yourself and get your confidence. and if they aren't like that, they are not your friend. don't ever think about the not-friend. it's worthless.

be thankful of who you are. nobody's like you. you are different. you are charming. you are nice and have such a beautiful face. you are great. you love everybody surrounding. you give spirit. you influence others..... or at least, you're true to your self; you're not faking your self, you don't copy others, you are becoming who you want to be. it's a really good thing because not everyone has a confidence to be their own self.

be thankful of what you have. you might be not realize EVERY single thing you have is really precious right now, but just imagine, if they all are gone. for the simplest example is: what if you lost your eyes? what if you lost your legs? what if you lost your hands? this is really simple and very close to us yet REALLY important but we may forget how great they are. so, be thankful for ANYTHING you have.

the last, be thankful of what happened. God has a certain mission for you in every single happened thing. you don't have to regret or worry too much about that, you'll be better after that, if you try to learn from that. you will not get anything out of your strength. what's happened only make you better. if you know how to deal with that.

so please, be thankful for everything in life:)

love you always;
nn

gonna start a new page

2009-10-05T20:19:00.004+07:00

this is the new start. a lot of things i've got this month. hope it will be better...
gonna tell you more later:}
♥♥